So have you decided who you are?  Since the last article, you have had some time to think deeply about this, to look at yourself through more mature eyes, perhaps, and make that decision.  If you have accomplished the previous steps, Trust, Autonomy, Initiative, Industry and Identity, you are ready for the next step, INTIMACY.

What in the world is intimacy any way.  Many people think that intimacy is sex.  In reality, sexuality is only one aspect of intimacy.  The greater part is “in to me see.” 

Let’s look at what the dictionary and the thesaurus has to say:

Dictionary:  familiarity; something of a personal or private nature.

Thesaurus: closeness, familiarity, relationship

​The Washington Times in the 7/7/99 issue states that intimacy "is better than sex and it’s more than just love. It’s a feeling, a closeness". A legion of columnists, advice givers, therapists and pastors say society is starved for intimacy.  In the been there, done that 90’s, people are sexually saturated, yet strangely disconnected.  Intimacy even has a smell: Jasmine, Bulgarian rose, sandalwood and ylang ylang, as marketed by First Herb Shop. But its essence is strangely absent from day-to-day life. 

In an interview with USA Today Weekend, Dr. Drew Pinsky, co-host of MTV's "Loveline" sex-advice program, says young adults are unable to establish intimacy because they're too into sexual thrills. “

But I wonder, Dr. Pinsky – if beyond the sexual thrills they desire, if they just aren’t adequately developed enough to share who they are – their thoughts and feelings.
So just wait a cotton-picking minute!  How is it possible to really be intimate with another individual, if you don’t even know who you are to share with someone else?  One has to have been able to climb the emotional development steps to truly be intimate with another individual!

Think about this, in the day and age in which we live, kids are having sex at a very young age, but are they really being intimate?  Oh they may get naked, and they may even have intercourse, but this is only two bodies – not two hearts and two minds.  Kids who are still in the phase of Identity (if they have managed to develop that far) do not yet know who they are and therefore are not being intimate.

So many people in this day and age, are ashamed or embarrassed about who they are.  They have perhaps not been taught how to share their feelings, but only punished when they display their feelings in actions not suitable to their parents or teachers.  “I feel angry, I feel sad, I feel lonely,” etc.  Instead we scream and yell and throw punches when angry, we cry or withdraw when sad or we accuse others of not paying adequate attention to us when in actuality we are  lonely.

Many marital partners accuse and blame each other for a myriad of things when they really should be saying “I am lonely for you.”  Pointing the finger only asks for a fight, while taking responsibility for our feelings can call for a discussion, a compromise and more togetherness.

So how do we get to intimacy?  We get there by climbing all previous developmental steps, even if we have to do so in middle or older age.  We get there by finally determining who we are, what we are like, undoing what we don’t like about ourselves and then telling the truth about who we are to others with whom we desire relationship.  In a marriage, it takes doing this on a regular basis – sharing our feelings and thoughts with our partner, and allowing them to ask questions and discover even more about us.

In our parenting lives, it is wise to teach our children to use their words to describe what they are feeling and why they are feeling it, rather than just allowing a temper tantrum or other poor behaviors.  Doing so helps to set up our children to be able to identify and share their feelings with others close to them.

The sexual part of intimacy is a sharing of not just bodies, but also of thoughts and feelings. Young teens are usually not in the place to do this, and they have definitely not finished their emotional development.  They are simply responding to what their friends are doing or to what their raging hormones might be dictating. 

So ask yourself if you know how to be intimate – and with whom.

Many people have been heard to say that they have to “find out who I am.” For some it can be quite a chore, perhaps because they have been raised with confusion and abuse. Whatever the reason that these folk do not know who they are, at whatever age, they need to discover it so that life can be enjoyable, successful, productive and fulfilling.

Perhaps you are one of the people who are a molded copy of what your parents wanted you to be. They may have told you what you like, what you should do in terms of career, when and how you should do it. If so, there comes a time when your internal desires and your God-given gifts sneak out in one way or another, creating conflict with what and who you have been told you should be. In my situation, my mother was a nurse, and somehow it was a foregone conclusion that this is what I should become. I bought into it fully, took nurses training, graduated and became the nurse they were proud of. It was when I was about thirty-five, that I had become frustrated with nursing, because nursing had changed. No longer was it allowed for nurses to have bedside conversations and do emotional care-giving along with the necessary treatments. Back rubs went out of style, and so did bed baths, unless a patient was critically ill. My love for my profession diminished to the point when I left it and returned to school for degrees in Marriage and Family Therapy and Counseling Psychology. I had found my niche and my life!

Of course, asking someone who they are often creates dismay. “I am a child of God, I am British, I am Latin American, I am a Republican, I am a listener, I am a teacher, I am a doctor,” are some of the answers to the question asked. However, are these answers really who you are, or are they descriptions of your faith, your heritage or your profession?

The period of time between the onset of the teenage years and the age of eighteen, is the period which Erickson entitled Identity. It is the time during which children and adolescents determine what they are like, what their abilities and inabilities are, what their leaning are toward profession, what their relationship is or should be with God; in short, what their likes and dislikes are and where they are headed career-wise. Other important decisions such as gender identity are usually formulated during this time period.

Recently, the Winter Olympics involved young people in their teens. A fifteen year old girl took the gold medal in Figure Skating. Other teens were expert skiers and snow-boarders. Had they decided that skating or some other sport was “who they are or just what they enjoy doing? Who was directing or pushing them in the direction of being a sports enthusiast? Looking at one person in particular, namely Scott Hamilton, the long-time figure skater: This man has survived testicular cancer and four brain tumors and currently has a fifth tumor. Scott keeps coming back to the thing he loved and to the sport he considered as defining him. Sheer determination, I would say, and also the demonstration of what had become his identity.

So, who are you? Have you really thought about?

• Your character – the sum total of your thoughts and feelings. Do you tend to be attached to friends and family, or do you distance? Are you generally kind to others, or are you snarky? Do you prefer facts over feelings?
• Your Career – Is it the thing you look forward to doing when you open your eyes each morning, or do you dread getting out of bed and going to work?
• Your relationships – Are friends and family important to you, and do you reach out to them on a regular basis?
•  Your faith – Is God “pie in the sky” or non-existent to you or do you have a vital faith, relying on God’s word for your life’s path?
• Are you super-sensitive to the treatment by others toward you? Are you concerned for the feelings of others?
• Do you keep more to yourself and spend your life in a routine of organizing and calculating?

It’s wise to do a self-analysis, as it will benefit every area of you life. If you don’t know how to do so, Consider doing the MindPrint Inventory, available here. It will answer many questions about your God-given self, and no doubt bring you great peace in the long run. It’s definitely worth the cost and the effort. And, the next time someone asks you “who are you” you can answer accurately and intelligently, and you will have a better sense of how you can contribute to society as a whole.

God Bless!