So have you been able to enjoy ”in-to-me-see?” Is there at least one person in your life who truly understands you? Is there at least one person in your life whom you truly know deeply and understand? If so, how did you get to that place? Were you able to open up your thoughts and your feelings to that person, and they to you? If so, that is a definite blessing for you! Having a confidant is consoling and comforting, to be sure.

The years of time between age 35 and 65 are the PRODUCTIVE years. These are the years when many are settled into their career, married and having children. The hours and days are filled with career and taking care of family. Couples who have worked hard usually find a home that suits their family and they fix and furnish it to suit their growing needs. They enjoy holidays with extended family and vacations with friends and family.

I remember back in those days, having an older travel trailer that Ron and I fixed up, and then we enjoyed camping experiences with family and friends. Our daughters loved to go camping! Since Ron was a pastor for twenty of those years, many of our activities centered around the church and we planned outings and social gatherings to benefit us all. I look back now at the days when our children were having special friends and we so enjoyed meals and fun times with their friends and their friend’s parents.

During those years of precious family and friends and careers, we worked hard so that we could play hard. We accomplished many things, and so did our friends. My grandparents and parents were still living and they were an integral part of our lives. As we pastored, we were usually about a two hour drive from them, and frequented their home, usually getting there late Saturday afternoon after church and going home on Sunday evening. Those were precious moments with Gram and Bumpa. I remember renovating several churches we pastored during that time, as well as visiting the ill and afflicted with Ron, when I could.

When at age 51, with our children grown and married, we left pastoral ministry to begin our worldwide Family Ministry, life changed dramatically. Grandparents had passed away, and so had my father and Ron’s mother, so only my mother was still living. Bless her heart, she followed us, and even though we traveled a great deal, we kept in close touch with her, and still enjoyed holidays together. Our work load increased greatly, as we traveled in our converted bus from place to place to conduct seminars, and then later began to fly, when bus travel was not possible. These were, for sure, our productive years! During that time, we wrote four books and two complete recovery programs with videos too.

In 2009, we had to retire from all the travel, because Ron became ill with Parkinson’s Disease, and the traveling became arduous! But guess what, while we attempt to retire, we still keep on, keeping on to a degree, entirely by God’s grace. So while we remain in our Mountain home most of the time, we still actively pursue our life’s work. We feel that God gave it to us as a gift, and we hold on “for dear life.”

Wait a minute, you say. I’ve done the Math, and it doesn’t seem to add up properly. Productivity was ages 35 – 65, and you two are beyond those years! Yes we are, but when your life’s work is your great joy, you keep on, keeping on!

With the next article, we will look at the years of age 65 onward. Those are interesting years, and if you have accomplished all the steps as far as age 65, then the rest of your days become enjoyable. We Promise!

So have you decided who you are?  Since the last article, you have had some time to think deeply about this, to look at yourself through more mature eyes, perhaps, and make that decision.  If you have accomplished the previous steps, Trust, Autonomy, Initiative, Industry and Identity, you are ready for the next step, INTIMACY.

What in the world is intimacy any way.  Many people think that intimacy is sex.  In reality, sexuality is only one aspect of intimacy.  The greater part is “in to me see.” 

Let’s look at what the dictionary and the thesaurus has to say:

Dictionary:  familiarity; something of a personal or private nature.

Thesaurus: closeness, familiarity, relationship

​The Washington Times in the 7/7/99 issue states that intimacy "is better than sex and it’s more than just love. It’s a feeling, a closeness". A legion of columnists, advice givers, therapists and pastors say society is starved for intimacy.  In the been there, done that 90’s, people are sexually saturated, yet strangely disconnected.  Intimacy even has a smell: Jasmine, Bulgarian rose, sandalwood and ylang ylang, as marketed by First Herb Shop. But its essence is strangely absent from day-to-day life. 

In an interview with USA Today Weekend, Dr. Drew Pinsky, co-host of MTV's "Loveline" sex-advice program, says young adults are unable to establish intimacy because they're too into sexual thrills. “

But I wonder, Dr. Pinsky – if beyond the sexual thrills they desire, if they just aren’t adequately developed enough to share who they are – their thoughts and feelings.
So just wait a cotton-picking minute!  How is it possible to really be intimate with another individual, if you don’t even know who you are to share with someone else?  One has to have been able to climb the emotional development steps to truly be intimate with another individual!

Think about this, in the day and age in which we live, kids are having sex at a very young age, but are they really being intimate?  Oh they may get naked, and they may even have intercourse, but this is only two bodies – not two hearts and two minds.  Kids who are still in the phase of Identity (if they have managed to develop that far) do not yet know who they are and therefore are not being intimate.

So many people in this day and age, are ashamed or embarrassed about who they are.  They have perhaps not been taught how to share their feelings, but only punished when they display their feelings in actions not suitable to their parents or teachers.  “I feel angry, I feel sad, I feel lonely,” etc.  Instead we scream and yell and throw punches when angry, we cry or withdraw when sad or we accuse others of not paying adequate attention to us when in actuality we are  lonely.

Many marital partners accuse and blame each other for a myriad of things when they really should be saying “I am lonely for you.”  Pointing the finger only asks for a fight, while taking responsibility for our feelings can call for a discussion, a compromise and more togetherness.

So how do we get to intimacy?  We get there by climbing all previous developmental steps, even if we have to do so in middle or older age.  We get there by finally determining who we are, what we are like, undoing what we don’t like about ourselves and then telling the truth about who we are to others with whom we desire relationship.  In a marriage, it takes doing this on a regular basis – sharing our feelings and thoughts with our partner, and allowing them to ask questions and discover even more about us.

In our parenting lives, it is wise to teach our children to use their words to describe what they are feeling and why they are feeling it, rather than just allowing a temper tantrum or other poor behaviors.  Doing so helps to set up our children to be able to identify and share their feelings with others close to them.

The sexual part of intimacy is a sharing of not just bodies, but also of thoughts and feelings. Young teens are usually not in the place to do this, and they have definitely not finished their emotional development.  They are simply responding to what their friends are doing or to what their raging hormones might be dictating. 

So ask yourself if you know how to be intimate – and with whom.

Many people have been heard to say that they have to “find out who I am.” For some it can be quite a chore, perhaps because they have been raised with confusion and abuse. Whatever the reason that these folk do not know who they are, at whatever age, they need to discover it so that life can be enjoyable, successful, productive and fulfilling.

Perhaps you are one of the people who are a molded copy of what your parents wanted you to be. They may have told you what you like, what you should do in terms of career, when and how you should do it. If so, there comes a time when your internal desires and your God-given gifts sneak out in one way or another, creating conflict with what and who you have been told you should be. In my situation, my mother was a nurse, and somehow it was a foregone conclusion that this is what I should become. I bought into it fully, took nurses training, graduated and became the nurse they were proud of. It was when I was about thirty-five, that I had become frustrated with nursing, because nursing had changed. No longer was it allowed for nurses to have bedside conversations and do emotional care-giving along with the necessary treatments. Back rubs went out of style, and so did bed baths, unless a patient was critically ill. My love for my profession diminished to the point when I left it and returned to school for degrees in Marriage and Family Therapy and Counseling Psychology. I had found my niche and my life!

Of course, asking someone who they are often creates dismay. “I am a child of God, I am British, I am Latin American, I am a Republican, I am a listener, I am a teacher, I am a doctor,” are some of the answers to the question asked. However, are these answers really who you are, or are they descriptions of your faith, your heritage or your profession?

The period of time between the onset of the teenage years and the age of eighteen, is the period which Erickson entitled Identity. It is the time during which children and adolescents determine what they are like, what their abilities and inabilities are, what their leaning are toward profession, what their relationship is or should be with God; in short, what their likes and dislikes are and where they are headed career-wise. Other important decisions such as gender identity are usually formulated during this time period.

Recently, the Winter Olympics involved young people in their teens. A fifteen year old girl took the gold medal in Figure Skating. Other teens were expert skiers and snow-boarders. Had they decided that skating or some other sport was “who they are or just what they enjoy doing? Who was directing or pushing them in the direction of being a sports enthusiast? Looking at one person in particular, namely Scott Hamilton, the long-time figure skater: This man has survived testicular cancer and four brain tumors and currently has a fifth tumor. Scott keeps coming back to the thing he loved and to the sport he considered as defining him. Sheer determination, I would say, and also the demonstration of what had become his identity.

So, who are you? Have you really thought about?

• Your character – the sum total of your thoughts and feelings. Do you tend to be attached to friends and family, or do you distance? Are you generally kind to others, or are you snarky? Do you prefer facts over feelings?
• Your Career – Is it the thing you look forward to doing when you open your eyes each morning, or do you dread getting out of bed and going to work?
• Your relationships – Are friends and family important to you, and do you reach out to them on a regular basis?
•  Your faith – Is God “pie in the sky” or non-existent to you or do you have a vital faith, relying on God’s word for your life’s path?
• Are you super-sensitive to the treatment by others toward you? Are you concerned for the feelings of others?
• Do you keep more to yourself and spend your life in a routine of organizing and calculating?

It’s wise to do a self-analysis, as it will benefit every area of you life. If you don’t know how to do so, Consider doing the MindPrint Inventory, available here. It will answer many questions about your God-given self, and no doubt bring you great peace in the long run. It’s definitely worth the cost and the effort. And, the next time someone asks you “who are you” you can answer accurately and intelligently, and you will have a better sense of how you can contribute to society as a whole.

God Bless!

With many things in life, there’s a continuum between lazy and workaholic. So on a scale of 1 to 10, just how industrious are you? Bet you’ve never asked that question of yourself. Can you answer it now?

INDUSTRIOUS is a word that can mean diligent, busy, productive, energetic or even conscientious. INDUSTRY is the 4th step on Erickson’s ladder of Emotional Development, developed after INITIATIVE, between the ages of 6 – 12.

Think back for a few minutes. What were you doing during those years? Going to school, making your bed each day, brushing your teeth without being told to do so, working a job, doing your chores at home without being told to accomplish them over and over again? If you were accomplishing the above, you were a super-natural kid! Most elementary-aged children are tired when they get home from school. They’ve been locked up at a desk, given assignments and expected to complete them, and they don’t feel like coming home to more demands.

But ask yourself this: In school when you were given an assignment, would you complete it in the allotted time more often than not, or did you procrastinate, fiddle with your pencil and paper, chat with classmates or do anything but the assignment? If you were developing Industry, you got busy right away, or at least as soon as you sharpened your pencil, and got the work finished before or at the allotted time. You see, if you had developed TRUST, then you could trust yourself to do the work correctly, or mostly correctly. If you developed AUTONOMY, then you kept your eyes to yourself and the task at hand, assured that you didn’t need help and didn’t need to cheat by copying someone else’s work. If you developed INITIATIVE you saw the task ahead and took appropriate action to complete it. If you were developing INDUSTRY, you kept working at the project until you’d completed it, rather than interrupting progress with dawdling or other pursuits.

One of the things that interrupts projects, is a feeling of inadequacy – not sure you can do it right. And especially for perfectionists, doing “it” incorrectly feels like a fate worse than death.

Usually I am a very industrious person, but recently, I have been looking at a project that needs to be completed, rather than just getting it done. The project? A pair of footed PJ’s for my 2 year old great grandson. I have made the pattern twice before, and each time have struggled with one step – a gusset that makes it easy for the child to move in various positions and easier for mothers to change diapers. I don’t know how I accomplished it with the first pair I made, but I knew it took me a while to figure out the puzzle. The second time (a year after the first), I struggled for 3 days without success, took it to a fabric store in town, who couldn’t figure it out either, and told me that the pattern was crazy. Finally I went down the street to a new neighbor whose son had told me that she is “quite a crafter.” It took us 1 ½ hours to get it done. This time, I was determined to do it MYSELF! I played and played with it, and finally have it basted in. I’ve looked at it now for 3 days, and if I expect these PJ’s to fit Ezekiel, I’d better get busy, or he’ll outgrow them before he gets them!

You see how important TRUST (step #1) is? One has to trust oneself first before moving on to independently getting the project accomplished!

So ask yourself some questions, and answer honestly:

1. Do you have projects that need to be done, and you avoid doing them?
2. Are you fearful that you’ll do them wrong?
3. Are you just so busy with many this n’ that’s, that you don’t make time for what’s important?
4. Do you start projects and not finish them? Do you think it’s because you fear they’ll be done wrong or inadequately?
5. On a scale of 1 to 10, where are you between lazy and workaholic?
6. If you are a workaholic, what could you be compensating for that takes you to that extreme?
7. Do you need to go back a step or two or three to honestly ask yourself if you’ve developed the previous steps?

A person who is INDUSTRIOUS starts and completes a project within a reasonable time frame, and does an acceptable or excellent job. If the job done is poorly done, the industrious person will redo it. This person doesn’t do one project and then refuse other tasks that are his/her responsibility, simply because they have accomplished one thing. They plan out their time and their energy, and get their tasks done, without totally exhausting themselves all of the time.

Consider doing one project this week – a project that you have been putting off because you think it’ll take too much time and energy or because you think you may do it ineptly. See how you do! Chances are good that if you can accomplish that task, you’ll feel and be more industrious with other projects.

We’d love to hear about your successes. Send responses to: Nancy@fixablelife.com. Have fun!

Recently a friend told about a horrifying accident that happened right in front of her eyes. As she traveled on the highway, she saw a speeding car T-Bone into another car, which was sent into another car. That she was able to slam on her brakes and avoid the catastrophe was a miracle.

What did she do? Granted, she is a medical professional, but she did not hesitate to pull to the side of the road and jump out of her car to see what she could do. The scene was not only frightening, but she was the only one there for what seemed like an eternity. One person was fatally wounded. Four others were seriously injured and in need of hospitalization. She did what she could and stayed with the accident until all persons were safely in ambulances and under the care of paramedics. She has stayed in touch with the injured and even plans to attend the funeral of the person who was deceased. And yes, she is a fine, caring Christian woman, wife and mother!

What she did was use the INITIATIVE she developed between ages 3 and 6. She saw a problem before her, and jumped out of her car to attend to the injured. Would you have done such a thing even if you aren’t a medical professional? Sometimes folks in bad situations just need the presence of a caring individual who will encourage, comfort and stay with them.

But we aren’t talking about auto accidents in this article. We are talking about INITIATIVE. Other words in a thesaurus include: Creativity, enterprise and resourcefulness. And yes, my friend used all of those three! The dictionary defines it as: “The ability to act and make decisions without the help or advice of other people.”

So let’s go back to being a four or five year old. You see a bright-colored ball on the ground in your play yard. Do you just stand there and look at it, or do you walk or run to that ball to investigate and pick it up to enjoy playing with it? You’re in a park and you see a swing set. Do you just wish you could get on that swing and enjoy the breeze in your hair, or do you take the initiative to go to the swing, get on it, and pump yourself up, so as to go swinging high, enjoying the thrill of it? Or you see a situation. Your friend has fallen off her tricycle, and is crying. Do you go to her, help her up and comfort her? Do you take the next step to look at her boo-boo, and take her to her Mom or yours for first aid? If you take action, that’s INITIATIVE.

You are in High School. You have been given a homework assignment. Do you keep putting it off, procrastinating finishing the challenge, or do you get the job done so you can hand in the homework at the appointed time?

Now you are an adult. There’s a pile of dirty dishes in your sink, a king-size bed that needs to be made, dinner to be prepared for tonight’s meal and you really need a shower. Do you choose the most logical one and do it, or do you do none of the projects and just spend the day on Facebook or watching TV?

Plainly stated, INITIATIVE is the ability to see a job or a situation in front of you and get off your duff, and get it done. As it happens, I have several jobs ahead of me today. I need to complete making the PJ’s I started for my Great-Grandson’s birthday, I need to finish making the bed that I was interrupted from in the process, I need to finish this article, I need to work in the study, and I need to stuff those mushrooms for tonight’s dinner. Got a lot on my plate today, huh? Oh yes, there’s that trip to the Post Office to mail a package too.

So I had better get to the projects (think I’ll finish the bed-making first, since I have just about finished this article). Just remember, TRUST comes first, then AUTONOMY, and now INITIATIVE. In order to get to the next step in Emotional development, I have to have completed these three. OK, now to my list . . .

OH wait . . . Valentine’s Day comes soon. Better get a few cards and get them mailed, and something special for my Beloved. Will do later today.

Autonomy is the second step in the development of Emotional Maturity, remember? Let’s be reminded about what autonomy really is.

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, autonomy is: The quality or state of being self-governing; especially the right of self-government. It is the capacity to make an informed, un-coerced decision.

So let’s see, the last time I had to make a decision, well Ron and I together, was just yesterday. It was regarding the possible purchase of a small motorhome. Now don’t think it was a new one, because that’s a financial impossibility! It was a 1996 model. Why in the world, given the state of Ron’s health, would we even consider such an option?

• We used to have a bus – a 1967 GMC 4107 Buffalo Bus (You know, like a Greyhound Bus). For years we traveled North America in that bus, doing seminars on an itinerary. Sometimes we would be gone several months at a time. Thanks to some precious friends, that bus was “gutted” and redone on the inside, making it into a very comfortable “home.”
• Often now either Ron or I will say “I miss the bus!” It’s true, we really do! It had a very comfortable bed, was attractive to look at, had an efficient kitchen, and we felt cozy in it.
• We thought: Maybe it would be good for us to get out of the house and travel a bit, so we would have new vistas to see, new experiences to enjoy, it would cheer us up a bit and it would give us the comfort of our cozy bus.
• We saw one for sale, and every time we went by it, one of us would exclaim: “I miss the bus!”

So we finally stopped. We copied down the seller’s phone number and made a call. They would be happy to show it to us. So we made a date!

The motorhome was lovely! Cozy, roomy, fully functional, etc. and we so wanted that motorhome! So how to get Ron in and out of it; would the passenger seat be comfortable for him; would the bed work well, and how about the bathroom?

While getting him out of the motorhome was arduous at best, we thought of ways to accomplish it with a few minor adjustments. So we came home to talk about it and make a decision. I remember praying, “Lord, please show us! Our desire for it is great, but what about me driving, and for how long will Ron be able to get in and out. Can we afford the insurance, the fuel, the upkeep, etc.?”

So we sat down with a piece of paper and started a list:
              PROS_____________________ CONS

We began the list and soon had several PROS. Internally we were getting more and more excited. We even figured out how we could make the purchase, IF the sellers would agree to our offer. Then came the insurance and the upkeep and the ability to pay for fuel, since the motorhome got only 10 mpg. Then the CONS began to add up. As the hour went by, I noticed Ron becoming weaker and overtired. I
wondered what it would be like in the motorhome to manage when he wasn’t at his optimum. Soon we went to bed to “sleep on it.”

Next morning, we had both come to the same conclusion: Do not buy the bus! Are we disappointed? YES we are, as we would love to be able to go to Phoenix for a few weeks to visit with lots of friends, but some things just aren’t possible. We decided to do day trips around New Mexico, then do an overnite in a motel once in a while so we could manage longer distances, and perhaps we can work our way up to the trip to Phoenix.

AUTONOMY: the ability to make an informed non-coerced decision. Some time ago, we learned to make a decision with pen and paper in hand, creating a list of Pros and Cons. It works! But in addition, Ron and I believe deeply in a Savior, to whom we can turn for the ultimate advice, since He can see the end from the beginning. Confident that He would guide us, we slept well and were pleased in the morning that we had come to the same conclusion.

When was the last time you had to make a weighty decision? How did you do it? Did you ask for counsel or Divine Guidance? Were you able to make a list (physical or mental) of pros and cons? Did you allow these things to guide you to make an adult, appropriate decision?

We make decisions every day: what to wear, what to eat, where to go, what to do that day, etc. Occasionally, when overtired, for us it is fun to just stay in our PJ’s all day (at this stage we can do that) or we can decide to go out for a bite to eat rather than “slaving” over a stove. These are minor decisions. Most of us have to decide weightier matters such as: who to date, who to marry, where to live, where to work, what church to attend, etc., and these have more significant consequences than whether to eat in or out. Can you make these decisions? Have you? With what results?

Folk who have trouble trying to decide on simple things or even more complicated choices, find themselves confused, frustrated and overwhelmed and often make an unhealthy choice. These are they who do not consider cause to effect because they do not understand the concept. Remember, autonomy begins development between ages 18 months to 3 years of age. They may well be stuck in their emotional development and need the assistance of wiser individuals to make an appropriate decision.

Where are you in your decision-making ability? This is a very appropriate question to ask yourself. If you have difficulty deciding, ask yourself if your parents made all your decisions for you. Are they still? Do you make your choices based on what your parents would approve of, or on the basic principles of what is right or wrong, morally appropriate or immoral?

We would love to hear from you, so after you consider where you are emotionally, make the choice to contact us with a note (to be published on the website or not – without your name, of course.) Your willingness to share may well be a major blessing to someone else. God Bless you as you work through this! 

Just turn on the TV or your computer, and the news that is being broadcast is frightening! Just this morning three were killed at a rural school in Northern New Mexico – the shooter and two others. How very sad for the other students, the families involved, the school teachers and principal, and the entire community. One begins to wonder where real safety is. Who can be trusted to do no harm
and where is there a safe place to be, 24 hours a day and seven days a week?

Being involved in experiences similar to this or having endured abuse or neglect in childhood years, causes pain.

“Pain is very hard to let go of! Many people cannot let go of pain, because the only way to let go of it once and for all, is first to feel it through and through. Many a person fears this would be overwhelming. They keep the pain alive, oddly enough, by not letting it in.”  Worry, pg. 88, by EM Hallowell, M.D.

Just yesterday, Dr. Phil interviewed a young woman who had 10 different personalities or alter egos. What a pathetic story! Instead of dealing/working through the trauma she had endured in childhood, she totally blocked out her first 13 years and created these 10 different ways to cope with the original pain she did not want to discuss or re-visit. Bless her heart, she really wanted help, and Dr. Phil offered it at a place he highly recommends - P.N.P. the Psycho-Neuro-Plasticity center, which examines every area of the brain and body to determine one’s physical, mental, emotional and spiritual states. This will be a God-send for her, and hopefully the beginning of a new life. Who do you think she trusts at this moment? No one! But in time and with help (not drugs) she will do well, and be able to live life!

Trust is a reliance or confidence of the good qualities of others, especially their fairness, truth, honor or ability. It also has to do with the future and a reliance on what will occur down the road. A knowledge that someone else is responsible for taking good care of another, like a grandma who will babysit for our precious children. Please understand that this trust is dependent on our earliest in womb
and early childhood experiences. In the words of Thomas R. Verny, M.D. ;  “Starting from the moment of conception, a child’s brain is wired by his or her environment. Interaction with the environment is not merely one aspect of brain development, as has been thought; it is an absolute requirement, built into the process from the earliest days in the womb. The brain is sensitive to experience throughout life, but experience during the critical periods of prenatal life and early postnatal life organizes the brain. Our brains and, consequently, our personalities emerge from the complex interplay between the genes we are born with and the experiences we have.”

Our basic ability to trust is developed during the first 18 months to 2 years of life, remember? This is when we can record experiences, but are without language or the ability to express what happened in our lives. Our bodies record our experience both in the brain and in other organs as well. So often in later life, we suffer with physical sensations or illness that stem from early life trauma; just like the woman, now in her mid-twenties, who could not recall her life or even her relationships with parents before age 13. Finally in the interview with Dr. Phil, who knowingly pressed her to explain the “trauma or worst thing that ever happened to you in childhood,” she was able to say “I am not able to talk about that.” The record was there in her brain, but her desire to recall or speak about it, caused
her to stutter and go from understandable conversation to fractured verbiage there with Dr. Phil.

Dr. Verny in His book, “Pre-Parenting” continues: “Every biological process leaves a psychological imprint, and every psychological event, changes the architecture of the brain. A secure relationship with one or two primary caregivers leads to more rapid acquisition of emotional and cognitive skills. Such skills confer not just temporary advantages, but permanent ones, because they are the number one tool for constructing the brain.”

So. . .

1. Ask yourself, what occurred or was the atmosphere between your parents while you were in the womb and during the first 2 years of your life? After you have thought about this, write it down. This will be a major help in you being able to understand your ability or inability to trust others.
2. Think back through your character-forming years (Conception through age 7). What experiences occurred that may have created distrust rather than trust in you? Write a list and explain each item a bit. 
3. What experiences occurred in your adolescent and adult years that have accentuated your inability to trust? Write about them.

The hand will write what the mouth cannot speak! This is why we encourage you to write your experiences. Then take what you have written to a personal friend, Pastor or Counselor, and read out loud what you have written. This will give your brain the message, through your senses, that you have taken care of this “trust issue.”

​This is a project well worth doing. God Bless You as you chose to do it!

The first of Erickson’s Stages of Emotional Development, which we have looked at for the last number of weeks, is TRUST. Remember?So the plan for this article is to revisit trust in a deeper, more meaningful way, so that you can apply it in your own life, and evaluate how well you trust and ask yourself that famous question, WHY? The above text was my ͞go to͟ text this morning for this article.  I know the text by heart, but have never really concentrated on the last sentence. It hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks! WHY? 

Well, lately I have been planning our funerals, in my mind and a little bit on paper. It all started at the death of our daughter’s mother-in-law, and a dear friend of ours.  She had made her arrangements, so the service went off as she had planned and without a hitch.  I have chosen hymns and the pianist to play them.  I have chosen the person to actually conduct the funeral, and sometimes thinking on these things can be a bit morbid, yet I want to get our wishes typed and on paper for the day when death occurs, so as to make it easier on our daughters.

There are concerns in our lives:  Ron’s Parkinson’s and my increasingly painful low back and extremities.  I tend to ask myself what would happen to my dearest, should I precede him in death, and what kind of a basket case will I be if he precedes me.  I worry. I think. Sometimes I even shed a few tears, and then I wonder too, what will happen to our ministry.

And then this morning I read the above verse and asked myself if I am trusting in God’s wisdom and guidance like I should.  And then I ask what’s wrong with me that I focus on death rather than praising God for every day of life. Where did my trust go, and did I ever really have it as I should?  Why didn’t I have it?

Trust is formed in the eighteen months to two years of life.  Did that time impede me from having the trust I should?  It was the time of World War II and my parents were separated because my father had been drafted.  I am sure that my mother was worried about what would become of my father should he be sent overseas. Then he was sent overseas, just after my mother became pregnant for my brother, who was born and died while Dad was overseas in the thick of the battle. What ensued was at least a year of Mother’s mourning – had I lost my mother too?

Babies start off with perfect trust – IF the time in the womb was perfect and their first months of life were without incident. However, it is inevitable that trust is damaged by our parents or other family members.  It depends on the severity of the damage, just how completely that our trust is broken.  The lack of being able to fully trust someone establishes how selective, or guarded we are toward others and life circumstances.Of course, our parents are the most impactful in the formation of our trust. If they are truthful with us, if they fulfill their promises and do not lie to us, then we tend to believe that we can trust others too.  If parents are abusive and have proved that they cannot be trusted, we will slink or shy away from others until or if we get help to change our way of thinking.

In adult life, we retain the memories of trust that was broken, and these remembrances orchestrate how we will feel about others. How do we know if we should be suspicious of someone else?  Do they give you vague answers to your questions or do they withhold info?  Do they lie, answering your questions with untruths?  Do they give you mixed messages, and are they afraid to look you in the eye?  Do they refuse to negotiate with you?

It is nigh unto impossible to restore trust in a person who has repeatedly betrayed you and therefore damaged your trust each time.  You know, the human brain was designed to remember, not to forget, so memories of betrayal die hard, if at all.  If the memory of a betrayal remains, as it usually does, does it drastically change your relationship with the betrayer?  Yes. You can choose to forgive, but remember, forgive is what we should do, but forgetting the offense is not really possible.  The retained memory is a defense, a protection for the future, so that you will not return to the naïve person you once were when ͞the wool was pulled over your eyes.

How do we rebuild trust?  Well, we always say to review your history.  Go back to your very beginnings and study the relationship you had with those persons who were the most impactful in your life.  Write about the experience and about how that has affected your ability or inability to trust now. Once you have written it all out, take it to a Pastor, Counselor or trusted friend, (same gender as yourself)  and read it out loud to that person.  Then take that document to your shredder, burn it, or tear it in tiny pieces and flush it.  Then take the courage to add a bit more trust in relationship with your trusted friend -trial and error, so to speak.  Place all trust however in your Heavenly Father, because He knows what is best for you, now and forever.

Well, in just a short time, we have shown you what you need to be emotionally mature, and now you are about at age 65. This may be considered as retirement age, but according to Eriksen, you aren’t quite ready to veg in front of the TV in your Lazy-Boy, eat bonbons and forget about growing up.  The old British psychologist says that this is the time to review your life and perhaps even right some wrongs after you acknowledge them, and ask yourself if you have lived a “good” life.

According to Webster, INTEGRITY means:

          Firm adherence to a code of especially moral or ethical principles..

The Thesaurus uses words like:  Honesty, Truth, Honor, Reliability, and Uprightness.

Mm.m.m.   Don’t you think that these should be qualities taught as a child and molded into the character long before age 65 and onward?  I do!

Perhaps Eriksen really meant that the “declining” years should be used for a review of your life, rather than a place you have arrived.  I can look back over my life and see times when I did not use my best judgement, when perhaps I put my needs ahead of others, when I spent money foolishly, when I should have been kinder to my children and my husband, etc.  So when I see those things, what is my duty, my obligation to do?

Of course I know that God forgives – even before we ask – but human beings usually do not.  What should I do about these things? I ask myself, have I sincerely apologized for those wrong doings?  Should I ask God’s forgiveness?  Should I apologize to those I have wronged?

There is a saying out there that goes something like this:  “Every time a teenager opens their mouth, they are lying.”   I suppose that is true of some teens, but not necessarily of all.  Those who have been taught at an early age that they are loved and accepted, taught to honor God and to live a virtuous life, are usually not liars.  Actually, I do know a teen who cannot tell a story without it containing at least one lie.  WHY? Teens and others, in my opinion, lie because they are afraid of being demeaned, reprimanded, or rejected.  THERE’S THAT REJECTION WORD AGAIN.  It keeps popping up, doesn’t it?   

INTERESTING . . .   We teach that most people live a lie – one that is implanted when we are young. It is fertilized by our experiences and watered by our relationships with others. That lie is at the core of our being, and one we fight against or allow to rule us for most of our lives.  The lie is:  We have no worth, we have no value.  We spend our days trying to cover up that lie with other lies.  WHY?

According to the McAllister Network, the world lies because of:

1. FEAR – It was Tad Williams who said, “We tell lies when we are afraid… afraid of what we don’t know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger. ”People can be so afraid of what might happen if they told the truth. Maybe they have done something wrong and are afraid of the consequences of their actions, so they lie to cover up what they did. As often said about political scandals: It’s not the crime that gets you in trouble, nearly as much as the cover-up.
2. MANIPULATION – Lies are typically motivated by a desire to get other people to either do something or not do something, or to make a decision in the favor of the person doing the lying. Someone might lie to get something they desire such as sex, money, status, power, love, etc. Lori said: “I’m young, but I realized quickly lustful people know how to get what they want, even if it means lying to you about how they feel.” Probably the word love is used in more lies than any other. How often a guy will say to a girl (or vice versa), I love you, simply to get the other person emotionally stirred-up, so they can be more easily manipulated.
3. PRIDE – Many times, a person will lie because of pride. They use it for nothing more than a tool to create a favorable image of themselves. This leads to exaggeration, which is a form of lying. Often people will create fascinating, yet completely false, stories to improve their image.

Bottom line: We deceive other people because we think it serves our purposes in some way. And it’s easy! 

Scripture tells us: “Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who deal truthfully are His delight.” Proverbs 12:22

I was going to say that I’d gotten off on a tangent about lying as lack of integrity, and it is one of the behaviors of minimal integrity, but deceitful financial dealings, nasty and hurtful words said to others, etc. are, I suppose, a form of lying.  All of this to protect the lie at our core.

As I look at it, older years are for looking back.  THEY ARE FOR CHANGING THE LIE TO GOD”S TRUTH – that we have infinite worth and value because we are His children. Our minds by older years are filled with memories – some wonderful and comforting, others painful and disconcerting. I have found, now that I am in that age bracket, that good memories can be relived over and over again, and they bring joy and laughter or tears of joy.  Ron and I often speak about the days we traveled from appointment to appointment in our converted bus.  We speak about how much we miss it, and wish that we still had it. (I don’t know what for, because we could neither afford it nor be able to drive it) but those are happy memories of being available to help hurting people.  I am sure that in our quiet moments we mourn over things we have said or done that could have or did hurt others.  We find ourselves apologizing for those times often.

So go ahead, reminisce, apologize, ask for forgiveness, but also look ahead. The senior years are not just for looking back, but for looking forward toward the things that you CAN do, things that would be a blessing to others, things that will keep you from playing the “poor me” game. And believe it or not, those white-hair senior years can be filled with wisdom gained from living close to God and from experiences, positive and negative, that have taught us how to be.  Why not pass some of that wisdom on to others.   God bless you as you do so!

So you have climbed up the emotional staircase this far to have a personal identity. Considering your climb, you know who you are, what your gifts and talents are, what your goals and dreams are and where you are headed in life. By this age and stage, you have a plan and are well on your way to a successful career, satisfying relationships, mature spirituality as well as goal building and accomplishing.That is if you have been successful on the previous steps.

Of course, all this should have been accomplished by age 30, but if there has been little accomplishment in your life, or if there are steps that you leaped over, you are still fixable.  You can go back to steps number one and identify what in your childhood might have actually set you up to not develop the necessary emotional steps for a healthy and successful life.  How do you accomplish this?

There are at least two programs for personal recovery that can assist you in this process.  The programs work best in a small group, but are still successful when done individually.  What would help the person who cannot join a small group (Binding the Wounds or The Journey) is to have a friend or a counselor with whom you can share your recovery process.

So what is the step on which by now you should be standing? Those who have arrived there, are in their productive, working years, climbing the corporate ladder, enjoying an intimate relationship with a marital partner and feeling successful as you are enjoying life. It is during these years that friends are important, as well as family, and a relationship with God and a church family becomes valuable and vital. Couples are raising their children and enjoying watching the development and accomplishments of their offspring.

It is in these years that men and women are productive financially, earning an adequate amount to support their family and saving in order to help their children through college. As well as being currently happy and successful, these folk look forward to retirement and to providing nice things for their partners and children. 

Those who are successful during this phase will feel that they are contributing to the world by being active in their home and community. Those who fail to attain this skill will feel unproductive and uninvolved in the world.

Care is the virtue achieved when this stage is handled successfully. Being proud of your accomplishments, watching your children grow into adults, and developing a sense of unity with your life partner are important accomplishments of this stage.

Does this mean that there are never bumps in the road along the way? Absolutely not!  It may be that some sickness interrupts your productivity.  It might even mean that for no fault of your own, you are layed off at work, or some business reversal finds you in difficult financial straits. It may be that the loss of a child or parent intrudes your smooth-sailing life, causing you emotional angst.  How you handle these upsets is determined by how well you have accomplished the steps that led you to where you are now.  Do these setbacks devastate you to the point where you cannot function, or are they hurtful occurrences that simply sideline you for a few hours, days or weeks?  Is it fairly easy to get back onto your life as it was before the event?

It is said that our happiness is not so much determined by what experiences come to us, but by how we meet those experiences and respond to them.  The mature individual may endure anger, sadness or disappointment for a while, but is able to figure out the appropriate response and react accordingly.

​If you do not feel that your productive years are successful, give yourself the time to re-examine the years leading up to your current age and stage, and ask yourself if you need to back up and develop a step that may not have been adequately developed.  The productive years last from age 30 to about age 65, so you need to be prepared to enjoy these 35 years, feeling productive and successful.  When you do, you care for yourself, and you also have the ability to care for others.