Rejection does NOT have to be an outright lack of acceptance directed right at you. It can come through many forms, and you should be aware of those.

I recall when I was a little girl, probably a young toddler, and began to suck my thumb. How I wish I hadn’t but I did continue that habit for a number of years. My family had some grey, fuzzy blankets from England, and I recall one being on my bed. I do not know how old I was when I began to pluck the fuzz from the blanket and ball it up in a ball that I would say was nearly the size of a golf ball. I would hold that fuzz ball under my nose and suck the thumb on the same hand.  My parents were upset by the thumb-sucking and tried everything then  available to stop this habit, including a hot preparation painted on my thumb, adhesive tape bandaging, etc, but to no avail.

How well I remember my grandmother with her hands on her hips standing above me, and in her very English accent saying: “Get than thumb out of your mouth, it’s disgusting! You’ll be a grown woman with children of your own and you’ll still be sucking that thumb.”  Those words were anything but accepting. When I married my dear Ron, I had long since stopped sucking my thumb, but I did suck until I was 16. Preparing for college made me stop the habit. Shortly after our marriage I received a letter from my mother which contained a wad of fuzz. She wrote that I should explain that fuzz ball to Ron. Was that accepting?  She thought it was funny, but I did not! In reality that was hurtful!

Abuse of any kind also is a rejection of the person. Emotional abuse or words said that do not uplift or edify, certainly reject the child or whomever receives them. Physical abuse is a rejection as well; this of course differs from an appropriate spanking of a child for disobedience. Sexual behaviors toward a child are rejecting of the child as a child, and gives them an adult role which they do not understand nor are they prepared to endure.

Do you remember being laced down for getting a poor or failing grade on your report card? Do you remember being not chosen for a team or perhaps were the one begrudgingly chosen last? Do you remember hearing about a birthday party of a classmate to which you were not invited? Perhaps you remember the saying “Two is a company and three’s a crowd.” Were you the one ignored by the other two buddies? 

I was a chubby child beginning at age eight.  My best friend was a Jewish girl, who lived across the street from me.  How painful it was each morning when we would get on the school bus and the boys in the back would holler “Here comes ‘Fatso’ and the ‘Dirty Jew’!”  Don’t for a second believe the old adage “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”  It’s a lie!  Those names remain in your mind long after they are said!  They create feelings of rejection.

​It’s very interesting that in the Bible it is repeatedly written that we are not rejected.  The God of the Universe loves and accepts us, regardless of our mistakes and sins.  Just like an earthly father loves and accepts his son even though the son misbehaves, so the Heavenly Father accepts and loves us. Do you suppose that God wanted us to know over and over again that we are loved and accepted, because in this world, so many feel unloved and unaccepted? What a blessing He offers us!

Our Dear Friends and Readers;

Another year has passed. I am removing calendars of 2018 and have the prettiest new 2019 calendar to hang in its place; one entitled sunsets with the loveliest photos ever.  Birthdays and anniversaries will soon be all added, as well as appointments that are scheduled.

How were your holidays this year? Hopefully you enjoyed family and friends, holiday traditions and decorations, and good food.  And now the task of putting them all away for another year – or if you are really “with it”, they are already packed away for another year.  Mine are not.  The tree box (cardboard) was left outside and received a 30” layer of snow on it.  Today it is inside, drying out, and I am hoping to be able to fit the tree back in it. We really like the tree and the box – perfect fit! I have gathered other items together, and plan a trip to WalMart for a plastic tub to store them.

Due to a Total Knee Replacement surgery mid-November, the painful recovery process and tottering around the house taking care of Ron, fixing meals and endeavoring to clean some, I have been out straight.  I say this, because Christmas Cards usually sent have not been, and I am sorry to those who usually receive them and did not this year.

I sit here in my favorite chair (yes, with my leg up) and I have wishes for the new year, and resolutions too, of course. Ron and I have wishes that we could still be “on the road” teaching seminars and being much more active in ministry than sending out ordered product and doing some counseling.  We miss our “old bus” that was so nicely converted into our home for about 12 years!  We miss visiting with folk whose churches we went to on a regular basis.  We miss all of you who have sat through seminars, who have written to thank us after having attended a recovery process;  we miss the staff with whom we worked (not that we were in the office often) at Faith For Today. We miss Jim and Ellen, Vic and Chana with whom we worked after retiring from Faith For Today, and we GREATLY miss teaching. We miss watching the eyes of understanding being lit on the faces of our audiences. We had planned to work until at least age 80, but in 2008 those active years were abruptly curtailed. Do we understand? Do we know the reason(s) why this happened to us?  Not at all. But joyfully, we still are thrilled that folk want our products and that they order them from the website.  Since “retirement” we have written several books and workbooks to accompany each of them. They are great for book clubs and small groups for churches or organizations, and have been well received.

So 2019 is upon us – another year for personal growth.  Our President keeps begging congress for money they already appropriated back when Obama was President, to build a fence across our border.  I remember an old statement that went something like “fences make good neighbors.”  I believe that it is true regarding our country’s need for a very long one.  I also believe that while we strive for a fence in 2019 across our country, we should commit to repair the fences that we erect between ourselves and others. Those fences are usually built when we are angry because we don’t get our own way or because we feel that someone has done us wrong.  Let me ask:  what good does that “fence” do you? Does it make you happier?  Does it solve a problem you have experienced between you and someone else? Wouldn’t it have been wiser to sit for a gentle and kind conversation with that person? Wouldn’t it have been better to say “let’s talk about something that concerns me” rather than just build a barrier to keep others out?

The Good Book tells us that Jesus suggests that He wants to reason with us, and that just might be a great idea!  Of course, if there is someone in your life with whom you have made this attempt, and they ignore you or they just don’t want to “Play,” it is wise to realize that “one cannot reason with unreasonableness.”  When dealing with someone who is unreasonable, you are just wasting your time to keep trying over and over again!  In the past, we have been accused and derided, and no amount of attempted intervention got us anywhere.  So, as the “Word” would say, “Just wipe the dust off your feet and move on.”  How well I remember having difficulty going to sleep because going over and over in my head, was the chasm in a relationship which I longed to build a bridge over. Experiences such as this, can make one ill, and I recall feeling sick!  It was through repeated prayer that I recognized that God’s Word was speaking to me, and I let the chasm be minus a bridge.

So what are we saying by this?  Consider making 2019 a year for at least attempting to build bridges,  instead of fences.  Let the news about the country’s needed fence remind you each time you hear about it, to make this year one for building bridges where once there was a fence or a chasm.

May 2019 be one of the best years ever in your life, is our Prayer!

​Ron and Nancy

Are you satisfied with your relationships, with your spouse, your parents, your children or your friends?  Do you make friends with others easily, or do you fear forming a close bond with another?  What was it like for you in childhood with your parents, other family members and friends? Would you like some answers as to why your relationships might not be as satisfying as you wish?  Read on . . .

God created us with an inborn desire to attach to parents and others, because He desires that we attach to Him.  In Isaiah 43:1, it actually states:

Do we believe God’s words? Why do we have difficulty forming the kind of relationships that bring us comfort and joy?  Here’s why:

Our connections begin in the womb.  Parents (husband and wife) who want children are thrilled when pregnancy occurs and begin to connect with their unborn child immediately. They talk to him, sing, pat Mother’s tummy and prepare for baby’s arrival.

The first four hours of life are designed by God for parents to bond with their baby and for baby to attach to Mom and Dad.  A baby put to Mother’s bare chest immediately has the privilege of looking eye to eye with perfect vision for 18 inches. He can hear Mother’s heartbeat, hear her voice, and Dad’s, feel their touch, and even drink the colostrum at her breast, which tastes like the amniotic fluid he has been drinking in the womb. In this ideal situation, baby’s attachment process has a powerful and loving beginning.

Should circumstances continue on this ideal level, the child can and will develop a SECURE attachment style. Not all of life’s circumstances are perfect, however. Illness, difficulties in the delivery room, loss or absence of a parent and other traumas can disrupt the ideal.

Here is an example of Ron’s experience. Ron’s parents had three children and had determined that three was enough to feed and clothe, but . . .  Mom discovered she was pregnant. She tried to abort the baby, without success. That having failed (Thank God!) she did her best to hide the pregnancy, especially from her angry husband. Ron was born in the attic of the house with no medical help. Birthing was at the end of month 10, and baby weighed 10½ pounds, creating a life-threatening situation for mother. She was taken to hospital immediately, leaving baby with his 9 year old sister. As a result of absent parents, he developed what Dr. John Bowlby identifies as an AVOIDANT Attachment Style - The Protected Self.

1. He was very distant from both parents, yet longed for the love and acceptance that his parents did not give.
2. He was angry!  Being poorly treated by parents only added to that anger.
3. He was sad and tried urgently to get their love and attention.
4. He lived in fear – fear of never being loved and never belonging.
5. He was a loner – frightened of relationships that would also hurt him.
6. He began to act out, doing things against the laws of parents and of the land.
7. He became addicted to alcohol to numb his emotional pain.
8. He ended up in prison for petty crimes he committed.

Those who have AVOIDANT attachment Styles do so because they were never bonded to by parents, and staying distant from people makes them feel safe. It makes them feel in charge of their connections. The addictions they develop are a part of their brain’s demand that they survive at all cost. All addictions are the result of the inability to or difficulty in attaching to primary caregivers.  Please note: Addictions can be overcome once the emotional pain causing them is healed/eliminated.

There are two more attachment styles – Ambivalent and Disorganized.

The AMBIVALENT Attachment Style is called The Fragile Self.  

1. They answer questions about themselves in a negative tone.
2. They are afraid of loss, clingy, dependent and indecisive.
3. They are performers, looking desperately for acceptance.
4. They feel that there is something wrong with them, preventing others from being desirous of relationship with them.
5. They struggle with fear, mostly fear of not being loved or admired.
6. They become people pleasers and tend to mold themselves to the expectations of parents, teachers and others.
7. They have strong but vacillating emotions, which corrodes their sense of self.
8. They tend to place at least one person on a pedestal,  praising and adoring them, while overlooking any of their negative traits.
9. They have difficulty asserting their own desires, beliefs, limits and opinions.
10.  They have an overpowering fear of rejection, so they cling to a parent or friend who they think would never reject them.

Have you identified yourself yet?  Let’s move on to the last of the Attachment Style, so that you can understand yourself and others.

The DISORGANIZED Attachment Style is The Shattered Self.

These individuals have been exposed to the toxic effects of child abuse, and are often so arrested in their emotional development, frozen in fear, and confused about their attachments, that they seem to be unable to grow in faith, hope and love. One who is emotionally arrested in development remains emotionally at the age that their wounding took place, even though in chronological years, they may be adult and functional.

The origin of the Disorganized Attachment Style:

1. Psychological neglect
2. Physical abuse
3. Sexual abuse (incest and/or molestation)
4. Exposure to severe marital crisis
5. Exposure to addictive behaviors of parents or other close family members

People with the Disorganized style feel trapped in a chaotic world, one of rapidly shifting emotions, impulsive behaviors and muddled relationships. When the atmosphere at home was rough, with escalating anger and abuse, they learned to Dissociate - the ability to psychologically separate off from the conscious thoughts, feelings and even physical pain, and shift the experiences to some other part of the mind. This can become a habit in adult years.

As children they are a “broken self” and become adults who have difficulty controlling their emotions. They tend to view their parents as both the source of and the solution to their fears.

Research done by Bessel van der Kolk at Harvard University in 1994, showed that when trauma victims are reminded of their tragedy, the parts of the brain associated with intense emotions and visual images turn on, and become active. Simultaneously, the part of the brain associated with speech turns off. This is called speechless terror, the inability to tell the story of the horrific event.

When the brain is faced with extreme stress, it releases chemicals called endogenous opioids, which could be called the brain’s equivalent to heroin. These are God-given pain killers. One study showed that after viewing 15 minutes of a violent movie, the brain released the equivalent of 8 mg. of Morphine. Imagine then the addiction to chaos that ensues after a childhood filled with violence.

Perhaps you recall the experience in the U.S. known as the Waco Disaster. Dr. Bruce Perry, a Christian child psychiatrist was chosen to treat the children who survived that horrific event. He reported that as long as a year after the event, the children’s heartbeats were running very fast. Normal is 70-80. One girl’s was 160!  So not only was emotional damage done to these children, but physical damage as well.

So the question is: Are people hurt physically, emotionally and spiritually by the difficult experiences they endured in childhood?  Most definitely so!  But the greater question is, are they benefited and blessed by a loving, caring, spiritual two parent family? Absolutely!  They develop a SECURE Attachment Style, the same as God desires that we experience with Him. In that, we feel we can always count on Him to be with us and to answer us in times of need.

Take some time to think on what you have read, to honestly examine your attachment style and to re-connect with your Heavenly Father, with whom your connection can be not a theory, but an actual living, comforting, life-saving and vibrant connection.
 
References:
Bowlby, John (1982). Attachment, Basic Books,  New York, N.Y.
Perry, Bruce D. (2006) The Boy who Was Raised As A Dog, Basic Books, New York, N.Y.

Just yesterday a friend told me, after having visitors, that it was easier to fall asleep while they visited, because they never listen to him anyway. I reminded him that beginning years set up the feelings in adulthood. Your parents never listened to you, so you assume that other adults do not listen to you.  Of course, he didn’t believe that this was what set up his feelings currently. Intellectually he knows that childhood sets up adulthood, but emotionally it is often hard for him to let his feelings go.

Sound familiar?  Let’s take a look at some of the experiences in childhood that contribute to adult thinking and behaving:

A Difficult or forceps delivery:  A 1987 report listed in Thomas Verney’s book – The Secret Life on the Unborn Child, from the State Institute of Forensic Medicine in Stockholm, Sweden, recorded in several hospitals in Sweden, reports that many of the adults who experienced addictions and suicidal death had experienced  difficult births.  More information about this in Shadows of Acceptance, by Ron and Nancy Rockey.

An Unwanted Pregnancy, Adopted Child or Child born of wrong sex displeasing parents:  For years, this child will ask the question – “Why?” Why did they give me away, Why didn’t they want me (thinking that “me” was the actual one that parents didn’t want, rather that they didn’t want to have a child at that inconvenient time in their marriage.  The feeling of being unwanted is devastating to the child!

A Late-in-Life baby or one expected to “fix” the parents’ marriage: In most cases, a bay born to older than normal parents does not get the attention it needs. Mothers are exhausted, just from the pregnancy and delivery, and recovery from the experience takes time, and attention away from the baby’s needs.

A baby born because parents are hoping that this bundle of joy will be enough to fix their marriage, is given a burden very hard to carry. Parents whose marriage is in trouble need to do the work of personal healing, then marital healing before they consider conceiving a child!

Premature birth or baby born with a defect: In most cases, these babies need lengthy hospitalization, negating the experience of bonding with birth parents, unless the parents remain in the hospital and are active in the care and nurturing of the baby.

There are many other causes for a child feeling rejected. They are listed and explained in, Shadows of Acceptance. Rejection, as you have already read if you have read the previous articles on this subject, becomes a lifelong hurt and pain for anyone to experience. In the next articles we will look at how to heal the hurt so that a normal, pain-free life can be enjoyed.

Think back to your beginnings. Apply the stories told to you regarding your birth and your first two years. Ask yourself if the above experiences and/or others listed in the book already mentioned apply to you and your experience. Until next month, do some family research, and begin to understand why you feel as you do.  God Bless!

“It is difficult to imagine anyone ever feeling good about being shunned, excluded, ostracized or abandoned. Even when people are not rejected outright, they may become upset simply from feeling that others do not accept them as much as they would like.”  Mark R. Leary, Interpersonal Rejection.

A National Survey was conducted in 1977 among grammar school students by Temple University’s Institute for Survey Research. Of a total sample of 2208 children, nearly one in seven was, by the admission of the parents, a consciously unwanted pregnancy. These unwanted children were found to be in poorer health, to have more learning problems, and to be more prone to accidents or injuries than were planned-pregnancy children. In 1995, the National Survey for Family Growth compiled these 1994 statistics: 49% of 100 pregnancies were unintended. 54% of those unintended pregnancies were aborted. ~ J.J. Evoy, The Rejected.

Based on these statistics alone, it can be seen that many pregnancies were unwanted, to be sure.

Children who experience themselves to be rejected also display a constellation of personality dispositions – a syndrome.

• Hostility
• Aggression
• Passive-Aggression
• Emotional Unresponsiveness
• Immature dependence or Defensive independence
• Impaired Self-Esteem
• Impaired self-adequacy
• Emotional Instability
• Negative world-view

According to the well-known ACE Study (Adverse Childhood Experiences Study) conducted at California’s Kaiser-Permanente Hospital between 1995-1997, it discovered the direct correlation between adverse childhood experience and physical and emotional well-being in later years.

Also look up Dr Vincent Feletti’s name on the web for further informational videos. The reality is that traumatic childhood events cause, in most cases, physical and emotional abnormalities in adulthood. In a conference with Dr. Vincent Feletti, the founder of the ACE Study, we discovered that Parkinson’s Disease has childhood rejection or abandonment as a predisposing factor. While many physicians and other professionals appreciate this study, very few include it in their practice with patients, Dr. Feletti told us. We feel that this is such a sad state of affairs, because so much illness, early deaths, suicide and miserable lives of victims can be prevented or helped toward wholeness with a program like Binding the Wounds or The Journey. Dr Feletti  told us that so much pain and suffering could be prevented if people would acknowledge the trauma they experienced and choose to process through one of our programs.

Please remember that of all of the abuses, rejection is considered to be the most harmful, because it sets the stage for a lifelong personal view of oneself. Physical, sexual and emotional abuse all cause feelings of rejection in the victim.

If you have experienced one of these traumas, consider getting help through professional counseling by a therapist whose specialty is childhood abuse or planning to go through Binding the Wounds or The Journey. 

In the August article, you read about the worst of the abuses, rejection.  What really is rejection?

            Rejection is a refusal to accept or acknowledge. It is a refusal to accept, to touch, to hear or to consider important. To reject someone or something is to discard, push aside or discount.

In his landmark book entitled, “The Rejected,” Dr. John Joseph Evoy, a psychologist at Gonzaga University, who only counseled with clients who reported rejection as their pain, he states:

            “Rejection was their emotionally toned knowledge that they were not loved and wanted for themselves – by one or both parents.”  Pg. 14

On page 10 of the same book, Dr. Evoy writes:

            “The greatest terror a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears. I think that everyone in the world to a large or small extent has felt rejection. And with rejection comes anger, and with anger some kind of crime in revenge for the rejection, and with the crime – guilt – and there is the story of mankind.”  Pg. 10

Perhaps you felt rejected on the ball field when you were the last one picked for the ball team, or maybe you weren’t chosen at all.  Could you have felt rejected because you weren’t invited to the birthday party of a classmate?  Did you feel that of all the siblings in your family, you were the one least loved and accepted by a parent or grandparent?  Were you called a nickname that was derogatory or unpleasant? Answers to these questions can give you a hint about rejection in your experience.

There are blatant comments that definitely tell you that you weren’t wanted: “I wish you’d never been born”,  You were an accident.”, “We really wanted a girl/boy, but we got stuck with you”, “I never really wanted children, but your mother tricked me, and here you are.”  And then, of course, there is the outright abandonment when either parents just leaves and does not keep in touch with you. There’s divorce between parents and one or the other parent says they’ll see you often, but their promises are like ropes of sand.

The first two years of life plus the in-womb experience are the most impactful time in the life of a human being.  It is during this time that an infant studies his/her parents. They are careful to listen not only to words spoken, but to tone of voice and inflections in the voice.  They meticulously study facial expressions and learn quickly what different facial countenances mean.  They react with laughter, blank stares or with pouting and tears.  The relationship between parents, whether loving and caring or angry and distant has an extreme bearing on an infant/toddler’s sense of well-being and security.

Ronald P. Rohner, Ph.D. a professor emeritus of the University of Connecticut has studied rejection among at least 200 cultures worldwide for over 50 years.  He has developed a way of testing willing participants to determine their level of rejection. Several years ago, we were invited to participate as presenters at an international convention on acceptance and rejection in Istanbul, Turkey.  There were several hundred professional participants, and many of them reported in their own language, the percentage of people in their country who related that rejection was a wound they had experienced.  Our work however, was not to report statistics, but to tell our personal recovery story and to present to the group our “Journey” recovery program.

​Dr. Rohner has become a friend and we have discussed rejection at length.  He has determined that there are four major criteria by which children and adults alike have determined if they have experienced rejection in their character-forming years or during adolescence.  By the way, character is the sum total of our thoughts and feelings, and they are the impetus for our behaviors.  Here are his delineated four criteria:

• Warmth and Affection – were these present in your childhood/adolescent years from your birth parents/grandparents?
• Hostility and Aggression – was this present in your childhood/adolescent home from parents or siblings?
• Indifference and Neglect – Did you feel that you didn’t matter?  No regular meals, no routine bedtimes, baths, snuggle time, etc? Was their time devoted to you to do the things that interested you?  A sense of routine offers security to a child.
• Undifferentiated rejection - (cannot be observed by others, but is felt by the child)

Look these items over carefully and then honestly decide which of these contributed to the feelings of rejection that you may experience.  In the next article, we will look at what rejection causes in the life of many who have experienced it.

Do you ever feel like you are on the outside looking in – wishing that you could be a part of the in group?  It’s hurtful, isn’t it? Most people have been there, done that, and remember feeling that they must not be good enough to be accepted by “the in Group.”

I went to a wonderful High School in Connecticut – actually one of the ten best in the U.S., where a plethora of extra-curricular activities were available to the students.  I grew up in a strictly religious home, and was not allowed to take part in the numerous activities and the sororities on campus. There were a couple of other girls in my class who attended the same church as I did, but they were allowed to attend the dances and other activities, so I didn’t even feel close to them. My best friend was a Jewish girl, whom I loved dearly, still do.  I remember helping her get dressed to go to the prom, and tearfully watching her go off with her boyfriend in his convertible. I was a sniveling mess that night!  I just knew there was something wrong with me, that I wasn’t in the back seat with my boyfriend, on the way to a wonderful evening.  And, oh yes, I had been invited, but my folks would not allow me to go.

Nurse’s training was a whole different ball park. I was away from home, but because I was at a Christian college and hospital, there were lotsa’ activities that I could enjoy, and I did feel included and a part of the gang of nursing students. I even had a boyfriend and dates were allowed. Life became easier for me, until a pastor whom I respected greatly, told me that no good Christian minister-to-be would want to marry me because of my ugly teeth. There was a small separation in the front.  I was devastated, and once again I knew what it was like to not be accepted.  Interesting, how words carelessly spoken, can devastate and orchestrate the feelings and then behaviors of others. 

Rejection, believe it or not, is the most severe of the abuses. And . . . the other abuses such as emotional, physical and sexual, can and do cause feelings of rejection. There are many other experiences that can generate feelings of rejection. Those feeling, albeit unidentified with a word in infancy and early childhood, can begin in the womb. ”How?” You ask. “How in the world can a child in utero experience rejection? “   

According to Thomas Verny, M.D., a famous expert in in-womb child development, and an inspired writer who penned well over 100 years ago, by the name of E.G. White, agree that the most important factor for healthy child development is the relationship during pregnancy, between the pregnant mother and the man who impregnated her. Wow, perhaps not thought of before, but that is an extremely important factor!  Consider the woman who endured domestic violence during pregnancy, and that unfortunate situation has occurred for many years. Consider the young teen who was impregnated, maybe as a romp in the back seat of a car, and the young guy with whom she enjoyed Saturday night fun and acceptance, has already moved on to another girl by the time girl #1 discovers that she’s pregnant.  She is alone, fearful of telling her parents, and seriously considering the abortion clinic a couple of towns away. Where does the money come from for that procedure, and what about the guilt accompanying that choice? The angst she is experiencing is passed along to the child she is carrying. Her stress hormones, accelerated during her fear, cause stress in her unborn.

A child who does not have a present father misses out on the virtues that a father is designed to possess in the relationship with his wife and children – Provider, Protector and Priest. Mother is designed to be a nurturer and care-giver, providing a warm and secure environment, where all the needs of the child are met.  While many argue that a child doesn’t need a father, the truth is that a father was needed at conception and his responsibilities to the child that he and his partner have created begin with that encounter.

The birthing of the child has a profound effect also.  Was the birth natural and easy?  Was the use of forceps necessary?  Did Mother have to be given anesthesia for the birth, so that she was not available for the very important task of holding her child immediately following delivery?  Was the birth accomplished by cesarean?  Did the baby go into fetal distress during labor? Was mother able to hold her baby during the first two hours of life?  In the first four hours of life, the baby has perfect vision, with a focal length of 18 inches. What or whom did the little one see? Was it the nursery staff or was it her own Mother and Father, with whom she would spend the next 18 plus years of her life?  Did she hear Mother’s familiar voice? Did she taste the colostrum at mother’s breast, which tasted familiar to the amniotic fluid she had been drinking in the womb? All of these are factors which impact the feelings of the child, early on and in later life.

Most people do not give these ingredients a second thought, or are in ignorance of them.  Yet they are of prime importance to the happiness and the emotional and physical health of the child in later years. These factors are only the very beginning, the ‘tip of the iceberg’ so to speak, of the life experiences causing an individual to feel unaccepted – the feeling of not belonging, not being included.

In subsequent articles, we will delve into rejection in greater detail. This subject is of great importance, as a high percentage of those who do not do well in life are those who have experienced some form of rejection.  You might be thinking that everyone gets rejected at least once in their life – maybe by a friend in school or perhaps by not being selected for a team.  However the more profound experiences of rejection come from the interactions with parents, the primary caregivers.

Begin to think about your own beginnings, and ask yourself, or perhaps your parents if they are still available to you, what your birth process was like. Include the time you were in the womb as well as the ease or difficulty of your birth and the experience of your first four hours of life.  This information may well begin to answer some of the questions you have asked about your own thoughts and feelings. 

​Until next time, think on these things, and we will add much more information in the next few articles.

So have you been able to enjoy ”in-to-me-see?” Is there at least one person in your life who truly understands you? Is there at least one person in your life whom you truly know deeply and understand? If so, how did you get to that place? Were you able to open up your thoughts and your feelings to that person, and they to you? If so, that is a definite blessing for you! Having a confidant is consoling and comforting, to be sure.

The years of time between age 35 and 65 are the PRODUCTIVE years. These are the years when many are settled into their career, married and having children. The hours and days are filled with career and taking care of family. Couples who have worked hard usually find a home that suits their family and they fix and furnish it to suit their growing needs. They enjoy holidays with extended family and vacations with friends and family.

I remember back in those days, having an older travel trailer that Ron and I fixed up, and then we enjoyed camping experiences with family and friends. Our daughters loved to go camping! Since Ron was a pastor for twenty of those years, many of our activities centered around the church and we planned outings and social gatherings to benefit us all. I look back now at the days when our children were having special friends and we so enjoyed meals and fun times with their friends and their friend’s parents.

During those years of precious family and friends and careers, we worked hard so that we could play hard. We accomplished many things, and so did our friends. My grandparents and parents were still living and they were an integral part of our lives. As we pastored, we were usually about a two hour drive from them, and frequented their home, usually getting there late Saturday afternoon after church and going home on Sunday evening. Those were precious moments with Gram and Bumpa. I remember renovating several churches we pastored during that time, as well as visiting the ill and afflicted with Ron, when I could.

When at age 51, with our children grown and married, we left pastoral ministry to begin our worldwide Family Ministry, life changed dramatically. Grandparents had passed away, and so had my father and Ron’s mother, so only my mother was still living. Bless her heart, she followed us, and even though we traveled a great deal, we kept in close touch with her, and still enjoyed holidays together. Our work load increased greatly, as we traveled in our converted bus from place to place to conduct seminars, and then later began to fly, when bus travel was not possible. These were, for sure, our productive years! During that time, we wrote four books and two complete recovery programs with videos too.

In 2009, we had to retire from all the travel, because Ron became ill with Parkinson’s Disease, and the traveling became arduous! But guess what, while we attempt to retire, we still keep on, keeping on to a degree, entirely by God’s grace. So while we remain in our Mountain home most of the time, we still actively pursue our life’s work. We feel that God gave it to us as a gift, and we hold on “for dear life.”

Wait a minute, you say. I’ve done the Math, and it doesn’t seem to add up properly. Productivity was ages 35 – 65, and you two are beyond those years! Yes we are, but when your life’s work is your great joy, you keep on, keeping on!

With the next article, we will look at the years of age 65 onward. Those are interesting years, and if you have accomplished all the steps as far as age 65, then the rest of your days become enjoyable. We Promise!

So have you decided who you are?  Since the last article, you have had some time to think deeply about this, to look at yourself through more mature eyes, perhaps, and make that decision.  If you have accomplished the previous steps, Trust, Autonomy, Initiative, Industry and Identity, you are ready for the next step, INTIMACY.

What in the world is intimacy any way.  Many people think that intimacy is sex.  In reality, sexuality is only one aspect of intimacy.  The greater part is “in to me see.” 

Let’s look at what the dictionary and the thesaurus has to say:

Dictionary:  familiarity; something of a personal or private nature.

Thesaurus: closeness, familiarity, relationship

​The Washington Times in the 7/7/99 issue states that intimacy "is better than sex and it’s more than just love. It’s a feeling, a closeness". A legion of columnists, advice givers, therapists and pastors say society is starved for intimacy.  In the been there, done that 90’s, people are sexually saturated, yet strangely disconnected.  Intimacy even has a smell: Jasmine, Bulgarian rose, sandalwood and ylang ylang, as marketed by First Herb Shop. But its essence is strangely absent from day-to-day life. 

In an interview with USA Today Weekend, Dr. Drew Pinsky, co-host of MTV's "Loveline" sex-advice program, says young adults are unable to establish intimacy because they're too into sexual thrills. “

But I wonder, Dr. Pinsky – if beyond the sexual thrills they desire, if they just aren’t adequately developed enough to share who they are – their thoughts and feelings.
So just wait a cotton-picking minute!  How is it possible to really be intimate with another individual, if you don’t even know who you are to share with someone else?  One has to have been able to climb the emotional development steps to truly be intimate with another individual!

Think about this, in the day and age in which we live, kids are having sex at a very young age, but are they really being intimate?  Oh they may get naked, and they may even have intercourse, but this is only two bodies – not two hearts and two minds.  Kids who are still in the phase of Identity (if they have managed to develop that far) do not yet know who they are and therefore are not being intimate.

So many people in this day and age, are ashamed or embarrassed about who they are.  They have perhaps not been taught how to share their feelings, but only punished when they display their feelings in actions not suitable to their parents or teachers.  “I feel angry, I feel sad, I feel lonely,” etc.  Instead we scream and yell and throw punches when angry, we cry or withdraw when sad or we accuse others of not paying adequate attention to us when in actuality we are  lonely.

Many marital partners accuse and blame each other for a myriad of things when they really should be saying “I am lonely for you.”  Pointing the finger only asks for a fight, while taking responsibility for our feelings can call for a discussion, a compromise and more togetherness.

So how do we get to intimacy?  We get there by climbing all previous developmental steps, even if we have to do so in middle or older age.  We get there by finally determining who we are, what we are like, undoing what we don’t like about ourselves and then telling the truth about who we are to others with whom we desire relationship.  In a marriage, it takes doing this on a regular basis – sharing our feelings and thoughts with our partner, and allowing them to ask questions and discover even more about us.

In our parenting lives, it is wise to teach our children to use their words to describe what they are feeling and why they are feeling it, rather than just allowing a temper tantrum or other poor behaviors.  Doing so helps to set up our children to be able to identify and share their feelings with others close to them.

The sexual part of intimacy is a sharing of not just bodies, but also of thoughts and feelings. Young teens are usually not in the place to do this, and they have definitely not finished their emotional development.  They are simply responding to what their friends are doing or to what their raging hormones might be dictating. 

So ask yourself if you know how to be intimate – and with whom.

Many people have been heard to say that they have to “find out who I am.” For some it can be quite a chore, perhaps because they have been raised with confusion and abuse. Whatever the reason that these folk do not know who they are, at whatever age, they need to discover it so that life can be enjoyable, successful, productive and fulfilling.

Perhaps you are one of the people who are a molded copy of what your parents wanted you to be. They may have told you what you like, what you should do in terms of career, when and how you should do it. If so, there comes a time when your internal desires and your God-given gifts sneak out in one way or another, creating conflict with what and who you have been told you should be. In my situation, my mother was a nurse, and somehow it was a foregone conclusion that this is what I should become. I bought into it fully, took nurses training, graduated and became the nurse they were proud of. It was when I was about thirty-five, that I had become frustrated with nursing, because nursing had changed. No longer was it allowed for nurses to have bedside conversations and do emotional care-giving along with the necessary treatments. Back rubs went out of style, and so did bed baths, unless a patient was critically ill. My love for my profession diminished to the point when I left it and returned to school for degrees in Marriage and Family Therapy and Counseling Psychology. I had found my niche and my life!

Of course, asking someone who they are often creates dismay. “I am a child of God, I am British, I am Latin American, I am a Republican, I am a listener, I am a teacher, I am a doctor,” are some of the answers to the question asked. However, are these answers really who you are, or are they descriptions of your faith, your heritage or your profession?

The period of time between the onset of the teenage years and the age of eighteen, is the period which Erickson entitled Identity. It is the time during which children and adolescents determine what they are like, what their abilities and inabilities are, what their leaning are toward profession, what their relationship is or should be with God; in short, what their likes and dislikes are and where they are headed career-wise. Other important decisions such as gender identity are usually formulated during this time period.

Recently, the Winter Olympics involved young people in their teens. A fifteen year old girl took the gold medal in Figure Skating. Other teens were expert skiers and snow-boarders. Had they decided that skating or some other sport was “who they are or just what they enjoy doing? Who was directing or pushing them in the direction of being a sports enthusiast? Looking at one person in particular, namely Scott Hamilton, the long-time figure skater: This man has survived testicular cancer and four brain tumors and currently has a fifth tumor. Scott keeps coming back to the thing he loved and to the sport he considered as defining him. Sheer determination, I would say, and also the demonstration of what had become his identity.

So, who are you? Have you really thought about?

• Your character – the sum total of your thoughts and feelings. Do you tend to be attached to friends and family, or do you distance? Are you generally kind to others, or are you snarky? Do you prefer facts over feelings?
• Your Career – Is it the thing you look forward to doing when you open your eyes each morning, or do you dread getting out of bed and going to work?
• Your relationships – Are friends and family important to you, and do you reach out to them on a regular basis?
•  Your faith – Is God “pie in the sky” or non-existent to you or do you have a vital faith, relying on God’s word for your life’s path?
• Are you super-sensitive to the treatment by others toward you? Are you concerned for the feelings of others?
• Do you keep more to yourself and spend your life in a routine of organizing and calculating?

It’s wise to do a self-analysis, as it will benefit every area of you life. If you don’t know how to do so, Consider doing the MindPrint Inventory, available here. It will answer many questions about your God-given self, and no doubt bring you great peace in the long run. It’s definitely worth the cost and the effort. And, the next time someone asks you “who are you” you can answer accurately and intelligently, and you will have a better sense of how you can contribute to society as a whole.

God Bless!