In the August article, you read about the worst of the abuses, rejection.  What really is rejection?

            Rejection is a refusal to accept or acknowledge. It is a refusal to accept, to touch, to hear or to consider important. To reject someone or something is to discard, push aside or discount.

In his landmark book entitled, “The Rejected,” Dr. John Joseph Evoy, a psychologist at Gonzaga University, who only counseled with clients who reported rejection as their pain, he states:

            “Rejection was their emotionally toned knowledge that they were not loved and wanted for themselves – by one or both parents.”  Pg. 14

On page 10 of the same book, Dr. Evoy writes:

            “The greatest terror a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears. I think that everyone in the world to a large or small extent has felt rejection. And with rejection comes anger, and with anger some kind of crime in revenge for the rejection, and with the crime – guilt – and there is the story of mankind.”  Pg. 10

Perhaps you felt rejected on the ball field when you were the last one picked for the ball team, or maybe you weren’t chosen at all.  Could you have felt rejected because you weren’t invited to the birthday party of a classmate?  Did you feel that of all the siblings in your family, you were the one least loved and accepted by a parent or grandparent?  Were you called a nickname that was derogatory or unpleasant? Answers to these questions can give you a hint about rejection in your experience.

There are blatant comments that definitely tell you that you weren’t wanted: “I wish you’d never been born”,  You were an accident.”, “We really wanted a girl/boy, but we got stuck with you”, “I never really wanted children, but your mother tricked me, and here you are.”  And then, of course, there is the outright abandonment when either parents just leaves and does not keep in touch with you. There’s divorce between parents and one or the other parent says they’ll see you often, but their promises are like ropes of sand.

The first two years of life plus the in-womb experience are the most impactful time in the life of a human being.  It is during this time that an infant studies his/her parents. They are careful to listen not only to words spoken, but to tone of voice and inflections in the voice.  They meticulously study facial expressions and learn quickly what different facial countenances mean.  They react with laughter, blank stares or with pouting and tears.  The relationship between parents, whether loving and caring or angry and distant has an extreme bearing on an infant/toddler’s sense of well-being and security.

Ronald P. Rohner, Ph.D. a professor emeritus of the University of Connecticut has studied rejection among at least 200 cultures worldwide for over 50 years.  He has developed a way of testing willing participants to determine their level of rejection. Several years ago, we were invited to participate as presenters at an international convention on acceptance and rejection in Istanbul, Turkey.  There were several hundred professional participants, and many of them reported in their own language, the percentage of people in their country who related that rejection was a wound they had experienced.  Our work however, was not to report statistics, but to tell our personal recovery story and to present to the group our “Journey” recovery program.

​Dr. Rohner has become a friend and we have discussed rejection at length.  He has determined that there are four major criteria by which children and adults alike have determined if they have experienced rejection in their character-forming years or during adolescence.  By the way, character is the sum total of our thoughts and feelings, and they are the impetus for our behaviors.  Here are his delineated four criteria:

• Warmth and Affection – were these present in your childhood/adolescent years from your birth parents/grandparents?
• Hostility and Aggression – was this present in your childhood/adolescent home from parents or siblings?
• Indifference and Neglect – Did you feel that you didn’t matter?  No regular meals, no routine bedtimes, baths, snuggle time, etc? Was their time devoted to you to do the things that interested you?  A sense of routine offers security to a child.
• Undifferentiated rejection - (cannot be observed by others, but is felt by the child)

Look these items over carefully and then honestly decide which of these contributed to the feelings of rejection that you may experience.  In the next article, we will look at what rejection causes in the life of many who have experienced it.

Do you ever feel like you are on the outside looking in – wishing that you could be a part of the in group?  It’s hurtful, isn’t it? Most people have been there, done that, and remember feeling that they must not be good enough to be accepted by “the in Group.”

I went to a wonderful High School in Connecticut – actually one of the ten best in the U.S., where a plethora of extra-curricular activities were available to the students.  I grew up in a strictly religious home, and was not allowed to take part in the numerous activities and the sororities on campus. There were a couple of other girls in my class who attended the same church as I did, but they were allowed to attend the dances and other activities, so I didn’t even feel close to them. My best friend was a Jewish girl, whom I loved dearly, still do.  I remember helping her get dressed to go to the prom, and tearfully watching her go off with her boyfriend in his convertible. I was a sniveling mess that night!  I just knew there was something wrong with me, that I wasn’t in the back seat with my boyfriend, on the way to a wonderful evening.  And, oh yes, I had been invited, but my folks would not allow me to go.

Nurse’s training was a whole different ball park. I was away from home, but because I was at a Christian college and hospital, there were lotsa’ activities that I could enjoy, and I did feel included and a part of the gang of nursing students. I even had a boyfriend and dates were allowed. Life became easier for me, until a pastor whom I respected greatly, told me that no good Christian minister-to-be would want to marry me because of my ugly teeth. There was a small separation in the front.  I was devastated, and once again I knew what it was like to not be accepted.  Interesting, how words carelessly spoken, can devastate and orchestrate the feelings and then behaviors of others. 

Rejection, believe it or not, is the most severe of the abuses. And . . . the other abuses such as emotional, physical and sexual, can and do cause feelings of rejection. There are many other experiences that can generate feelings of rejection. Those feeling, albeit unidentified with a word in infancy and early childhood, can begin in the womb. ”How?” You ask. “How in the world can a child in utero experience rejection? “   

According to Thomas Verny, M.D., a famous expert in in-womb child development, and an inspired writer who penned well over 100 years ago, by the name of E.G. White, agree that the most important factor for healthy child development is the relationship during pregnancy, between the pregnant mother and the man who impregnated her. Wow, perhaps not thought of before, but that is an extremely important factor!  Consider the woman who endured domestic violence during pregnancy, and that unfortunate situation has occurred for many years. Consider the young teen who was impregnated, maybe as a romp in the back seat of a car, and the young guy with whom she enjoyed Saturday night fun and acceptance, has already moved on to another girl by the time girl #1 discovers that she’s pregnant.  She is alone, fearful of telling her parents, and seriously considering the abortion clinic a couple of towns away. Where does the money come from for that procedure, and what about the guilt accompanying that choice? The angst she is experiencing is passed along to the child she is carrying. Her stress hormones, accelerated during her fear, cause stress in her unborn.

A child who does not have a present father misses out on the virtues that a father is designed to possess in the relationship with his wife and children – Provider, Protector and Priest. Mother is designed to be a nurturer and care-giver, providing a warm and secure environment, where all the needs of the child are met.  While many argue that a child doesn’t need a father, the truth is that a father was needed at conception and his responsibilities to the child that he and his partner have created begin with that encounter.

The birthing of the child has a profound effect also.  Was the birth natural and easy?  Was the use of forceps necessary?  Did Mother have to be given anesthesia for the birth, so that she was not available for the very important task of holding her child immediately following delivery?  Was the birth accomplished by cesarean?  Did the baby go into fetal distress during labor? Was mother able to hold her baby during the first two hours of life?  In the first four hours of life, the baby has perfect vision, with a focal length of 18 inches. What or whom did the little one see? Was it the nursery staff or was it her own Mother and Father, with whom she would spend the next 18 plus years of her life?  Did she hear Mother’s familiar voice? Did she taste the colostrum at mother’s breast, which tasted familiar to the amniotic fluid she had been drinking in the womb? All of these are factors which impact the feelings of the child, early on and in later life.

Most people do not give these ingredients a second thought, or are in ignorance of them.  Yet they are of prime importance to the happiness and the emotional and physical health of the child in later years. These factors are only the very beginning, the ‘tip of the iceberg’ so to speak, of the life experiences causing an individual to feel unaccepted – the feeling of not belonging, not being included.

In subsequent articles, we will delve into rejection in greater detail. This subject is of great importance, as a high percentage of those who do not do well in life are those who have experienced some form of rejection.  You might be thinking that everyone gets rejected at least once in their life – maybe by a friend in school or perhaps by not being selected for a team.  However the more profound experiences of rejection come from the interactions with parents, the primary caregivers.

Begin to think about your own beginnings, and ask yourself, or perhaps your parents if they are still available to you, what your birth process was like. Include the time you were in the womb as well as the ease or difficulty of your birth and the experience of your first four hours of life.  This information may well begin to answer some of the questions you have asked about your own thoughts and feelings. 

​Until next time, think on these things, and we will add much more information in the next few articles.

So have you been able to enjoy ”in-to-me-see?” Is there at least one person in your life who truly understands you? Is there at least one person in your life whom you truly know deeply and understand? If so, how did you get to that place? Were you able to open up your thoughts and your feelings to that person, and they to you? If so, that is a definite blessing for you! Having a confidant is consoling and comforting, to be sure.

The years of time between age 35 and 65 are the PRODUCTIVE years. These are the years when many are settled into their career, married and having children. The hours and days are filled with career and taking care of family. Couples who have worked hard usually find a home that suits their family and they fix and furnish it to suit their growing needs. They enjoy holidays with extended family and vacations with friends and family.

I remember back in those days, having an older travel trailer that Ron and I fixed up, and then we enjoyed camping experiences with family and friends. Our daughters loved to go camping! Since Ron was a pastor for twenty of those years, many of our activities centered around the church and we planned outings and social gatherings to benefit us all. I look back now at the days when our children were having special friends and we so enjoyed meals and fun times with their friends and their friend’s parents.

During those years of precious family and friends and careers, we worked hard so that we could play hard. We accomplished many things, and so did our friends. My grandparents and parents were still living and they were an integral part of our lives. As we pastored, we were usually about a two hour drive from them, and frequented their home, usually getting there late Saturday afternoon after church and going home on Sunday evening. Those were precious moments with Gram and Bumpa. I remember renovating several churches we pastored during that time, as well as visiting the ill and afflicted with Ron, when I could.

When at age 51, with our children grown and married, we left pastoral ministry to begin our worldwide Family Ministry, life changed dramatically. Grandparents had passed away, and so had my father and Ron’s mother, so only my mother was still living. Bless her heart, she followed us, and even though we traveled a great deal, we kept in close touch with her, and still enjoyed holidays together. Our work load increased greatly, as we traveled in our converted bus from place to place to conduct seminars, and then later began to fly, when bus travel was not possible. These were, for sure, our productive years! During that time, we wrote four books and two complete recovery programs with videos too.

In 2009, we had to retire from all the travel, because Ron became ill with Parkinson’s Disease, and the traveling became arduous! But guess what, while we attempt to retire, we still keep on, keeping on to a degree, entirely by God’s grace. So while we remain in our Mountain home most of the time, we still actively pursue our life’s work. We feel that God gave it to us as a gift, and we hold on “for dear life.”

Wait a minute, you say. I’ve done the Math, and it doesn’t seem to add up properly. Productivity was ages 35 – 65, and you two are beyond those years! Yes we are, but when your life’s work is your great joy, you keep on, keeping on!

With the next article, we will look at the years of age 65 onward. Those are interesting years, and if you have accomplished all the steps as far as age 65, then the rest of your days become enjoyable. We Promise!

So have you decided who you are?  Since the last article, you have had some time to think deeply about this, to look at yourself through more mature eyes, perhaps, and make that decision.  If you have accomplished the previous steps, Trust, Autonomy, Initiative, Industry and Identity, you are ready for the next step, INTIMACY.

What in the world is intimacy any way.  Many people think that intimacy is sex.  In reality, sexuality is only one aspect of intimacy.  The greater part is “in to me see.” 

Let’s look at what the dictionary and the thesaurus has to say:

Dictionary:  familiarity; something of a personal or private nature.

Thesaurus: closeness, familiarity, relationship

​The Washington Times in the 7/7/99 issue states that intimacy "is better than sex and it’s more than just love. It’s a feeling, a closeness". A legion of columnists, advice givers, therapists and pastors say society is starved for intimacy.  In the been there, done that 90’s, people are sexually saturated, yet strangely disconnected.  Intimacy even has a smell: Jasmine, Bulgarian rose, sandalwood and ylang ylang, as marketed by First Herb Shop. But its essence is strangely absent from day-to-day life. 

In an interview with USA Today Weekend, Dr. Drew Pinsky, co-host of MTV's "Loveline" sex-advice program, says young adults are unable to establish intimacy because they're too into sexual thrills. “

But I wonder, Dr. Pinsky – if beyond the sexual thrills they desire, if they just aren’t adequately developed enough to share who they are – their thoughts and feelings.
So just wait a cotton-picking minute!  How is it possible to really be intimate with another individual, if you don’t even know who you are to share with someone else?  One has to have been able to climb the emotional development steps to truly be intimate with another individual!

Think about this, in the day and age in which we live, kids are having sex at a very young age, but are they really being intimate?  Oh they may get naked, and they may even have intercourse, but this is only two bodies – not two hearts and two minds.  Kids who are still in the phase of Identity (if they have managed to develop that far) do not yet know who they are and therefore are not being intimate.

So many people in this day and age, are ashamed or embarrassed about who they are.  They have perhaps not been taught how to share their feelings, but only punished when they display their feelings in actions not suitable to their parents or teachers.  “I feel angry, I feel sad, I feel lonely,” etc.  Instead we scream and yell and throw punches when angry, we cry or withdraw when sad or we accuse others of not paying adequate attention to us when in actuality we are  lonely.

Many marital partners accuse and blame each other for a myriad of things when they really should be saying “I am lonely for you.”  Pointing the finger only asks for a fight, while taking responsibility for our feelings can call for a discussion, a compromise and more togetherness.

So how do we get to intimacy?  We get there by climbing all previous developmental steps, even if we have to do so in middle or older age.  We get there by finally determining who we are, what we are like, undoing what we don’t like about ourselves and then telling the truth about who we are to others with whom we desire relationship.  In a marriage, it takes doing this on a regular basis – sharing our feelings and thoughts with our partner, and allowing them to ask questions and discover even more about us.

In our parenting lives, it is wise to teach our children to use their words to describe what they are feeling and why they are feeling it, rather than just allowing a temper tantrum or other poor behaviors.  Doing so helps to set up our children to be able to identify and share their feelings with others close to them.

The sexual part of intimacy is a sharing of not just bodies, but also of thoughts and feelings. Young teens are usually not in the place to do this, and they have definitely not finished their emotional development.  They are simply responding to what their friends are doing or to what their raging hormones might be dictating. 

So ask yourself if you know how to be intimate – and with whom.

Many people have been heard to say that they have to “find out who I am.” For some it can be quite a chore, perhaps because they have been raised with confusion and abuse. Whatever the reason that these folk do not know who they are, at whatever age, they need to discover it so that life can be enjoyable, successful, productive and fulfilling.

Perhaps you are one of the people who are a molded copy of what your parents wanted you to be. They may have told you what you like, what you should do in terms of career, when and how you should do it. If so, there comes a time when your internal desires and your God-given gifts sneak out in one way or another, creating conflict with what and who you have been told you should be. In my situation, my mother was a nurse, and somehow it was a foregone conclusion that this is what I should become. I bought into it fully, took nurses training, graduated and became the nurse they were proud of. It was when I was about thirty-five, that I had become frustrated with nursing, because nursing had changed. No longer was it allowed for nurses to have bedside conversations and do emotional care-giving along with the necessary treatments. Back rubs went out of style, and so did bed baths, unless a patient was critically ill. My love for my profession diminished to the point when I left it and returned to school for degrees in Marriage and Family Therapy and Counseling Psychology. I had found my niche and my life!

Of course, asking someone who they are often creates dismay. “I am a child of God, I am British, I am Latin American, I am a Republican, I am a listener, I am a teacher, I am a doctor,” are some of the answers to the question asked. However, are these answers really who you are, or are they descriptions of your faith, your heritage or your profession?

The period of time between the onset of the teenage years and the age of eighteen, is the period which Erickson entitled Identity. It is the time during which children and adolescents determine what they are like, what their abilities and inabilities are, what their leaning are toward profession, what their relationship is or should be with God; in short, what their likes and dislikes are and where they are headed career-wise. Other important decisions such as gender identity are usually formulated during this time period.

Recently, the Winter Olympics involved young people in their teens. A fifteen year old girl took the gold medal in Figure Skating. Other teens were expert skiers and snow-boarders. Had they decided that skating or some other sport was “who they are or just what they enjoy doing? Who was directing or pushing them in the direction of being a sports enthusiast? Looking at one person in particular, namely Scott Hamilton, the long-time figure skater: This man has survived testicular cancer and four brain tumors and currently has a fifth tumor. Scott keeps coming back to the thing he loved and to the sport he considered as defining him. Sheer determination, I would say, and also the demonstration of what had become his identity.

So, who are you? Have you really thought about?

• Your character – the sum total of your thoughts and feelings. Do you tend to be attached to friends and family, or do you distance? Are you generally kind to others, or are you snarky? Do you prefer facts over feelings?
• Your Career – Is it the thing you look forward to doing when you open your eyes each morning, or do you dread getting out of bed and going to work?
• Your relationships – Are friends and family important to you, and do you reach out to them on a regular basis?
•  Your faith – Is God “pie in the sky” or non-existent to you or do you have a vital faith, relying on God’s word for your life’s path?
• Are you super-sensitive to the treatment by others toward you? Are you concerned for the feelings of others?
• Do you keep more to yourself and spend your life in a routine of organizing and calculating?

It’s wise to do a self-analysis, as it will benefit every area of you life. If you don’t know how to do so, Consider doing the MindPrint Inventory, available here. It will answer many questions about your God-given self, and no doubt bring you great peace in the long run. It’s definitely worth the cost and the effort. And, the next time someone asks you “who are you” you can answer accurately and intelligently, and you will have a better sense of how you can contribute to society as a whole.

God Bless!

With many things in life, there’s a continuum between lazy and workaholic. So on a scale of 1 to 10, just how industrious are you? Bet you’ve never asked that question of yourself. Can you answer it now?

INDUSTRIOUS is a word that can mean diligent, busy, productive, energetic or even conscientious. INDUSTRY is the 4th step on Erickson’s ladder of Emotional Development, developed after INITIATIVE, between the ages of 6 – 12.

Think back for a few minutes. What were you doing during those years? Going to school, making your bed each day, brushing your teeth without being told to do so, working a job, doing your chores at home without being told to accomplish them over and over again? If you were accomplishing the above, you were a super-natural kid! Most elementary-aged children are tired when they get home from school. They’ve been locked up at a desk, given assignments and expected to complete them, and they don’t feel like coming home to more demands.

But ask yourself this: In school when you were given an assignment, would you complete it in the allotted time more often than not, or did you procrastinate, fiddle with your pencil and paper, chat with classmates or do anything but the assignment? If you were developing Industry, you got busy right away, or at least as soon as you sharpened your pencil, and got the work finished before or at the allotted time. You see, if you had developed TRUST, then you could trust yourself to do the work correctly, or mostly correctly. If you developed AUTONOMY, then you kept your eyes to yourself and the task at hand, assured that you didn’t need help and didn’t need to cheat by copying someone else’s work. If you developed INITIATIVE you saw the task ahead and took appropriate action to complete it. If you were developing INDUSTRY, you kept working at the project until you’d completed it, rather than interrupting progress with dawdling or other pursuits.

One of the things that interrupts projects, is a feeling of inadequacy – not sure you can do it right. And especially for perfectionists, doing “it” incorrectly feels like a fate worse than death.

Usually I am a very industrious person, but recently, I have been looking at a project that needs to be completed, rather than just getting it done. The project? A pair of footed PJ’s for my 2 year old great grandson. I have made the pattern twice before, and each time have struggled with one step – a gusset that makes it easy for the child to move in various positions and easier for mothers to change diapers. I don’t know how I accomplished it with the first pair I made, but I knew it took me a while to figure out the puzzle. The second time (a year after the first), I struggled for 3 days without success, took it to a fabric store in town, who couldn’t figure it out either, and told me that the pattern was crazy. Finally I went down the street to a new neighbor whose son had told me that she is “quite a crafter.” It took us 1 ½ hours to get it done. This time, I was determined to do it MYSELF! I played and played with it, and finally have it basted in. I’ve looked at it now for 3 days, and if I expect these PJ’s to fit Ezekiel, I’d better get busy, or he’ll outgrow them before he gets them!

You see how important TRUST (step #1) is? One has to trust oneself first before moving on to independently getting the project accomplished!

So ask yourself some questions, and answer honestly:

1. Do you have projects that need to be done, and you avoid doing them?
2. Are you fearful that you’ll do them wrong?
3. Are you just so busy with many this n’ that’s, that you don’t make time for what’s important?
4. Do you start projects and not finish them? Do you think it’s because you fear they’ll be done wrong or inadequately?
5. On a scale of 1 to 10, where are you between lazy and workaholic?
6. If you are a workaholic, what could you be compensating for that takes you to that extreme?
7. Do you need to go back a step or two or three to honestly ask yourself if you’ve developed the previous steps?

A person who is INDUSTRIOUS starts and completes a project within a reasonable time frame, and does an acceptable or excellent job. If the job done is poorly done, the industrious person will redo it. This person doesn’t do one project and then refuse other tasks that are his/her responsibility, simply because they have accomplished one thing. They plan out their time and their energy, and get their tasks done, without totally exhausting themselves all of the time.

Consider doing one project this week – a project that you have been putting off because you think it’ll take too much time and energy or because you think you may do it ineptly. See how you do! Chances are good that if you can accomplish that task, you’ll feel and be more industrious with other projects.

We’d love to hear about your successes. Send responses to: Nancy@fixablelife.com. Have fun!

Recently a friend told about a horrifying accident that happened right in front of her eyes. As she traveled on the highway, she saw a speeding car T-Bone into another car, which was sent into another car. That she was able to slam on her brakes and avoid the catastrophe was a miracle.

What did she do? Granted, she is a medical professional, but she did not hesitate to pull to the side of the road and jump out of her car to see what she could do. The scene was not only frightening, but she was the only one there for what seemed like an eternity. One person was fatally wounded. Four others were seriously injured and in need of hospitalization. She did what she could and stayed with the accident until all persons were safely in ambulances and under the care of paramedics. She has stayed in touch with the injured and even plans to attend the funeral of the person who was deceased. And yes, she is a fine, caring Christian woman, wife and mother!

What she did was use the INITIATIVE she developed between ages 3 and 6. She saw a problem before her, and jumped out of her car to attend to the injured. Would you have done such a thing even if you aren’t a medical professional? Sometimes folks in bad situations just need the presence of a caring individual who will encourage, comfort and stay with them.

But we aren’t talking about auto accidents in this article. We are talking about INITIATIVE. Other words in a thesaurus include: Creativity, enterprise and resourcefulness. And yes, my friend used all of those three! The dictionary defines it as: “The ability to act and make decisions without the help or advice of other people.”

So let’s go back to being a four or five year old. You see a bright-colored ball on the ground in your play yard. Do you just stand there and look at it, or do you walk or run to that ball to investigate and pick it up to enjoy playing with it? You’re in a park and you see a swing set. Do you just wish you could get on that swing and enjoy the breeze in your hair, or do you take the initiative to go to the swing, get on it, and pump yourself up, so as to go swinging high, enjoying the thrill of it? Or you see a situation. Your friend has fallen off her tricycle, and is crying. Do you go to her, help her up and comfort her? Do you take the next step to look at her boo-boo, and take her to her Mom or yours for first aid? If you take action, that’s INITIATIVE.

You are in High School. You have been given a homework assignment. Do you keep putting it off, procrastinating finishing the challenge, or do you get the job done so you can hand in the homework at the appointed time?

Now you are an adult. There’s a pile of dirty dishes in your sink, a king-size bed that needs to be made, dinner to be prepared for tonight’s meal and you really need a shower. Do you choose the most logical one and do it, or do you do none of the projects and just spend the day on Facebook or watching TV?

Plainly stated, INITIATIVE is the ability to see a job or a situation in front of you and get off your duff, and get it done. As it happens, I have several jobs ahead of me today. I need to complete making the PJ’s I started for my Great-Grandson’s birthday, I need to finish making the bed that I was interrupted from in the process, I need to finish this article, I need to work in the study, and I need to stuff those mushrooms for tonight’s dinner. Got a lot on my plate today, huh? Oh yes, there’s that trip to the Post Office to mail a package too.

So I had better get to the projects (think I’ll finish the bed-making first, since I have just about finished this article). Just remember, TRUST comes first, then AUTONOMY, and now INITIATIVE. In order to get to the next step in Emotional development, I have to have completed these three. OK, now to my list . . .

OH wait . . . Valentine’s Day comes soon. Better get a few cards and get them mailed, and something special for my Beloved. Will do later today.

Autonomy is the second step in the development of Emotional Maturity, remember? Let’s be reminded about what autonomy really is.

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, autonomy is: The quality or state of being self-governing; especially the right of self-government. It is the capacity to make an informed, un-coerced decision.

So let’s see, the last time I had to make a decision, well Ron and I together, was just yesterday. It was regarding the possible purchase of a small motorhome. Now don’t think it was a new one, because that’s a financial impossibility! It was a 1996 model. Why in the world, given the state of Ron’s health, would we even consider such an option?

• We used to have a bus – a 1967 GMC 4107 Buffalo Bus (You know, like a Greyhound Bus). For years we traveled North America in that bus, doing seminars on an itinerary. Sometimes we would be gone several months at a time. Thanks to some precious friends, that bus was “gutted” and redone on the inside, making it into a very comfortable “home.”
• Often now either Ron or I will say “I miss the bus!” It’s true, we really do! It had a very comfortable bed, was attractive to look at, had an efficient kitchen, and we felt cozy in it.
• We thought: Maybe it would be good for us to get out of the house and travel a bit, so we would have new vistas to see, new experiences to enjoy, it would cheer us up a bit and it would give us the comfort of our cozy bus.
• We saw one for sale, and every time we went by it, one of us would exclaim: “I miss the bus!”

So we finally stopped. We copied down the seller’s phone number and made a call. They would be happy to show it to us. So we made a date!

The motorhome was lovely! Cozy, roomy, fully functional, etc. and we so wanted that motorhome! So how to get Ron in and out of it; would the passenger seat be comfortable for him; would the bed work well, and how about the bathroom?

While getting him out of the motorhome was arduous at best, we thought of ways to accomplish it with a few minor adjustments. So we came home to talk about it and make a decision. I remember praying, “Lord, please show us! Our desire for it is great, but what about me driving, and for how long will Ron be able to get in and out. Can we afford the insurance, the fuel, the upkeep, etc.?”

So we sat down with a piece of paper and started a list:
              PROS_____________________ CONS

We began the list and soon had several PROS. Internally we were getting more and more excited. We even figured out how we could make the purchase, IF the sellers would agree to our offer. Then came the insurance and the upkeep and the ability to pay for fuel, since the motorhome got only 10 mpg. Then the CONS began to add up. As the hour went by, I noticed Ron becoming weaker and overtired. I
wondered what it would be like in the motorhome to manage when he wasn’t at his optimum. Soon we went to bed to “sleep on it.”

Next morning, we had both come to the same conclusion: Do not buy the bus! Are we disappointed? YES we are, as we would love to be able to go to Phoenix for a few weeks to visit with lots of friends, but some things just aren’t possible. We decided to do day trips around New Mexico, then do an overnite in a motel once in a while so we could manage longer distances, and perhaps we can work our way up to the trip to Phoenix.

AUTONOMY: the ability to make an informed non-coerced decision. Some time ago, we learned to make a decision with pen and paper in hand, creating a list of Pros and Cons. It works! But in addition, Ron and I believe deeply in a Savior, to whom we can turn for the ultimate advice, since He can see the end from the beginning. Confident that He would guide us, we slept well and were pleased in the morning that we had come to the same conclusion.

When was the last time you had to make a weighty decision? How did you do it? Did you ask for counsel or Divine Guidance? Were you able to make a list (physical or mental) of pros and cons? Did you allow these things to guide you to make an adult, appropriate decision?

We make decisions every day: what to wear, what to eat, where to go, what to do that day, etc. Occasionally, when overtired, for us it is fun to just stay in our PJ’s all day (at this stage we can do that) or we can decide to go out for a bite to eat rather than “slaving” over a stove. These are minor decisions. Most of us have to decide weightier matters such as: who to date, who to marry, where to live, where to work, what church to attend, etc., and these have more significant consequences than whether to eat in or out. Can you make these decisions? Have you? With what results?

Folk who have trouble trying to decide on simple things or even more complicated choices, find themselves confused, frustrated and overwhelmed and often make an unhealthy choice. These are they who do not consider cause to effect because they do not understand the concept. Remember, autonomy begins development between ages 18 months to 3 years of age. They may well be stuck in their emotional development and need the assistance of wiser individuals to make an appropriate decision.

Where are you in your decision-making ability? This is a very appropriate question to ask yourself. If you have difficulty deciding, ask yourself if your parents made all your decisions for you. Are they still? Do you make your choices based on what your parents would approve of, or on the basic principles of what is right or wrong, morally appropriate or immoral?

We would love to hear from you, so after you consider where you are emotionally, make the choice to contact us with a note (to be published on the website or not – without your name, of course.) Your willingness to share may well be a major blessing to someone else. God Bless you as you work through this! 

Just turn on the TV or your computer, and the news that is being broadcast is frightening! Just this morning three were killed at a rural school in Northern New Mexico – the shooter and two others. How very sad for the other students, the families involved, the school teachers and principal, and the entire community. One begins to wonder where real safety is. Who can be trusted to do no harm
and where is there a safe place to be, 24 hours a day and seven days a week?

Being involved in experiences similar to this or having endured abuse or neglect in childhood years, causes pain.

“Pain is very hard to let go of! Many people cannot let go of pain, because the only way to let go of it once and for all, is first to feel it through and through. Many a person fears this would be overwhelming. They keep the pain alive, oddly enough, by not letting it in.”  Worry, pg. 88, by EM Hallowell, M.D.

Just yesterday, Dr. Phil interviewed a young woman who had 10 different personalities or alter egos. What a pathetic story! Instead of dealing/working through the trauma she had endured in childhood, she totally blocked out her first 13 years and created these 10 different ways to cope with the original pain she did not want to discuss or re-visit. Bless her heart, she really wanted help, and Dr. Phil offered it at a place he highly recommends - P.N.P. the Psycho-Neuro-Plasticity center, which examines every area of the brain and body to determine one’s physical, mental, emotional and spiritual states. This will be a God-send for her, and hopefully the beginning of a new life. Who do you think she trusts at this moment? No one! But in time and with help (not drugs) she will do well, and be able to live life!

Trust is a reliance or confidence of the good qualities of others, especially their fairness, truth, honor or ability. It also has to do with the future and a reliance on what will occur down the road. A knowledge that someone else is responsible for taking good care of another, like a grandma who will babysit for our precious children. Please understand that this trust is dependent on our earliest in womb
and early childhood experiences. In the words of Thomas R. Verny, M.D. ;  “Starting from the moment of conception, a child’s brain is wired by his or her environment. Interaction with the environment is not merely one aspect of brain development, as has been thought; it is an absolute requirement, built into the process from the earliest days in the womb. The brain is sensitive to experience throughout life, but experience during the critical periods of prenatal life and early postnatal life organizes the brain. Our brains and, consequently, our personalities emerge from the complex interplay between the genes we are born with and the experiences we have.”

Our basic ability to trust is developed during the first 18 months to 2 years of life, remember? This is when we can record experiences, but are without language or the ability to express what happened in our lives. Our bodies record our experience both in the brain and in other organs as well. So often in later life, we suffer with physical sensations or illness that stem from early life trauma; just like the woman, now in her mid-twenties, who could not recall her life or even her relationships with parents before age 13. Finally in the interview with Dr. Phil, who knowingly pressed her to explain the “trauma or worst thing that ever happened to you in childhood,” she was able to say “I am not able to talk about that.” The record was there in her brain, but her desire to recall or speak about it, caused
her to stutter and go from understandable conversation to fractured verbiage there with Dr. Phil.

Dr. Verny in His book, “Pre-Parenting” continues: “Every biological process leaves a psychological imprint, and every psychological event, changes the architecture of the brain. A secure relationship with one or two primary caregivers leads to more rapid acquisition of emotional and cognitive skills. Such skills confer not just temporary advantages, but permanent ones, because they are the number one tool for constructing the brain.”

So. . .

1. Ask yourself, what occurred or was the atmosphere between your parents while you were in the womb and during the first 2 years of your life? After you have thought about this, write it down. This will be a major help in you being able to understand your ability or inability to trust others.
2. Think back through your character-forming years (Conception through age 7). What experiences occurred that may have created distrust rather than trust in you? Write a list and explain each item a bit. 
3. What experiences occurred in your adolescent and adult years that have accentuated your inability to trust? Write about them.

The hand will write what the mouth cannot speak! This is why we encourage you to write your experiences. Then take what you have written to a personal friend, Pastor or Counselor, and read out loud what you have written. This will give your brain the message, through your senses, that you have taken care of this “trust issue.”

​This is a project well worth doing. God Bless You as you chose to do it!

The first of Erickson’s Stages of Emotional Development, which we have looked at for the last number of weeks, is TRUST. Remember?So the plan for this article is to revisit trust in a deeper, more meaningful way, so that you can apply it in your own life, and evaluate how well you trust and ask yourself that famous question, WHY? The above text was my ͞go to͟ text this morning for this article.  I know the text by heart, but have never really concentrated on the last sentence. It hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks! WHY? 

Well, lately I have been planning our funerals, in my mind and a little bit on paper. It all started at the death of our daughter’s mother-in-law, and a dear friend of ours.  She had made her arrangements, so the service went off as she had planned and without a hitch.  I have chosen hymns and the pianist to play them.  I have chosen the person to actually conduct the funeral, and sometimes thinking on these things can be a bit morbid, yet I want to get our wishes typed and on paper for the day when death occurs, so as to make it easier on our daughters.

There are concerns in our lives:  Ron’s Parkinson’s and my increasingly painful low back and extremities.  I tend to ask myself what would happen to my dearest, should I precede him in death, and what kind of a basket case will I be if he precedes me.  I worry. I think. Sometimes I even shed a few tears, and then I wonder too, what will happen to our ministry.

And then this morning I read the above verse and asked myself if I am trusting in God’s wisdom and guidance like I should.  And then I ask what’s wrong with me that I focus on death rather than praising God for every day of life. Where did my trust go, and did I ever really have it as I should?  Why didn’t I have it?

Trust is formed in the eighteen months to two years of life.  Did that time impede me from having the trust I should?  It was the time of World War II and my parents were separated because my father had been drafted.  I am sure that my mother was worried about what would become of my father should he be sent overseas. Then he was sent overseas, just after my mother became pregnant for my brother, who was born and died while Dad was overseas in the thick of the battle. What ensued was at least a year of Mother’s mourning – had I lost my mother too?

Babies start off with perfect trust – IF the time in the womb was perfect and their first months of life were without incident. However, it is inevitable that trust is damaged by our parents or other family members.  It depends on the severity of the damage, just how completely that our trust is broken.  The lack of being able to fully trust someone establishes how selective, or guarded we are toward others and life circumstances.Of course, our parents are the most impactful in the formation of our trust. If they are truthful with us, if they fulfill their promises and do not lie to us, then we tend to believe that we can trust others too.  If parents are abusive and have proved that they cannot be trusted, we will slink or shy away from others until or if we get help to change our way of thinking.

In adult life, we retain the memories of trust that was broken, and these remembrances orchestrate how we will feel about others. How do we know if we should be suspicious of someone else?  Do they give you vague answers to your questions or do they withhold info?  Do they lie, answering your questions with untruths?  Do they give you mixed messages, and are they afraid to look you in the eye?  Do they refuse to negotiate with you?

It is nigh unto impossible to restore trust in a person who has repeatedly betrayed you and therefore damaged your trust each time.  You know, the human brain was designed to remember, not to forget, so memories of betrayal die hard, if at all.  If the memory of a betrayal remains, as it usually does, does it drastically change your relationship with the betrayer?  Yes. You can choose to forgive, but remember, forgive is what we should do, but forgetting the offense is not really possible.  The retained memory is a defense, a protection for the future, so that you will not return to the naïve person you once were when ͞the wool was pulled over your eyes.

How do we rebuild trust?  Well, we always say to review your history.  Go back to your very beginnings and study the relationship you had with those persons who were the most impactful in your life.  Write about the experience and about how that has affected your ability or inability to trust now. Once you have written it all out, take it to a Pastor, Counselor or trusted friend, (same gender as yourself)  and read it out loud to that person.  Then take that document to your shredder, burn it, or tear it in tiny pieces and flush it.  Then take the courage to add a bit more trust in relationship with your trusted friend -trial and error, so to speak.  Place all trust however in your Heavenly Father, because He knows what is best for you, now and forever.