No doubt you recall that the first step toward Maturity (Emotional and Spiritual) is TRUST.

Picture, if you will, a set of stairs. They are used to get from Point A to Point B. Upstairs to the bedrooms of a house, or up to an important State or Federal Building or . . . The point is, these stairs are used to get to where you want to go.

This is also true in the journey toward maturity. Each step is necessary to have accomplished in order to make it to the next, or to the top. No jumping two or three steps at a time, as many teens and young adults do when climbing wooden or cement steps. Each step must be accomplished in order to accomplish the one that comes next.

So first you accomplish TRUST, or if not, you end up with mistrust. This looks like trusting absolutely no one or having blind trust or gullibility. Then as we discussed in the last article, it is necessary to accomplish AUTONOMY – the ability to make decisions and to stand on one’s own. Yes, it’s necessary to have TRUST in oneself in order to make the decisions and stick with them. If we do not develop AUTONOMY, we end up with will.

Having developed these first two steps, we move upward to accomplish INITIATIVE. It’s easy to see that we must trust ourselves to make decisions to look at a situation in front of us, and have the ability to move ahead and take action. Can you look at a situation some family member or friend is struggling with and think for a moment what the appropriate action on your part would be, and then get off your “duff” and do what would be in their best interest? Or do you just look at their situation and say to yourself, “I just don’t know what to do.” Or do you say “Let somebody else do it?” Do you look at your apartment or house and recognize that some action needs to be taken to clean it or make it more attractive, but you choose instead to “let it go” and just hang out, maybe watching TV? Accomplishing this step leaves us with a sense of purpose, and allows us to develop humor and resilience.

If you do not take the initiative to benefit yourself or someone else, ask yourself which of the first two steps you have not accomplished. Do you trust yourself to take a chance and just do the job? Can you decide exactly what needs to be done? Do you have the initiative to ask someone else for suggestions or help, if you don’t think you can accomplish that chore on your own?

Usually the reason that we do not develop one or more of the steps on the stairway to maturity, is that in our character forming years, some trauma or wound came to us when that step should have been accomplished. Trust should have been developed in the first 18 months of life, based on the relationship with Mom and Dad. Autonomy should have been developed between 18 months and 3 years of age. INITIATIVE is developed between ages 3 to 6, before a child starts school. This step is necessary for the child in Elementary school for him or her to be able to start and complete an assignment.

So take some time to decide where you are on the stairway so far. Have you been able to accomplish steps one to three? If not (and do your best to be honest to yourself) then look back and ask yourself exactly what occurred in your early years that may have sabotaged your growth. When you know what that is, get out a pen or pencil and a pad of paper and write about it. Then share what you have written with a trusted friend or counselor. Once accomplished, tear up your paper, burn it, drown it or save it in a very safe place. This activity is extremely beneficial for the development of your maturity. Enjoy the process

"I just can’t make up my mind!" Ever hear that or say it yourself? How about, "I decide, and then spend the next day fighting with myself and asking if I made the right decision." Do you feel that you cannot make a rather important decision without asking a bunch of people what their opinion is?

The second step in the process of maturity should be developed between 18 months and 3 years of age. That step was termed by Dr. John Bowlby as AUTONOMY. Simple decisions like walking to the other side of a room to get a toy that’s there, or whether or not to eat the food on one’s plate or go hungry are simple decisions of a toddler.  But what is autonomy as an adult?

According to the English dictionary, Autonomy is:  Self-government, existence as independent moral agent.  The philosophy is independence and the capacity to make moral decisions and act on them.

One of the most important decisions one makes in life, is whether or not to believe in the existence of God, and if we decide that God exists, we then determine what our relationship is to him/her and what it is that God wants of me.The amazing thing is that many individuals make the decision about their own spirituality based on the way they were raised.  People tend to remain in the denomination in which they were raised, unless they have some internal resentment to that denomination or to their parents who raised them in it.  It is a mature adult who studies and researches for themselves and decides based on their research results, rather than past resentments.

I remember as a child when I was trying to make decisions.  Children with parents who tend to be controlling usually just go along with parental wishes. On the other hand, some children choose opposite their parents just to be different and display their resistance to parental authority, without doing their own research. I was the type who preferred peace and harmony at any price, and the price I often made was based on keeping harmony at home. I longed for my parent’s approval, and discovered the best way to get it was to let them make my decisions for me. I even did that until I was about 36 years of age, when one day I was in a store choosing a new dress for some occasion.  There, looking at the dresses on the rack, I noted that my tendency was to pick a dress that I knew my Mother would approve of, rather than one I really liked.It was then that I realized it was time for me to grow up emotionally!

What was the most difficult decision you ever made?  Was it about a life partner?  Did you choose based on all the sweet words and gifts he brought you?  Was it because she gave in to everything you wanted and you knew you could control her?  Was the decision based on what you could get (selfishly) or what you could give (altruistically)? What about your decision to choose a career?  Did you choose based on how much money you could get or was it based on what service you could give?  Did you decide because you knew you could climb a corporate ladder or was your choice based on your known abilities that would guarantee your success in being a blessing to others?

Notice something, would you?  It would be more difficult to climb the second step of maturity (autonomy) unless you had accomplished the first step – Trust for yourself and others.  So now, go back and ask yourself if you can trust yourself, if you could trust your parents and have you been able to trust others.  If so, it’d be so much easier for you to develop autonomy – the ability to make whole and healthy decisions that would benefit yourself and others.

You see, the point of Spirituality is to develop Altruism - an attitude or way of behaving marked by unselfish concern for the welfare of others, and the belief that acting for the benefit of others is right and good.  Basically that means that you take yourself out of the center of the universe and place God there.  The trust you develop is for God and others.  The autonomy you develop, based on trust, is that you make decisions based on the greatest good for the cause of God and for others.  This does not mean that you ignore your own needs, but that decisions are less self-centered and more other-centered.

So think about it this week – how easy is it for you to make decisions.  How do you do it?  Do you seek counsel from someone you trust and admire – perhaps someone you consider to be wise?  Do you just make them based on what YOU want?  Do you consider how your choices will affect others?  Do you ask God what HE would have you to do? Do you count on counsel from God’s word, the Bible?

Ask yourself after reading this article, if you believe you are able to make healthy decisions that will benefit others in your circle of family and friends, or the community as a whole. Ask yourself what early life experiences have assisted you in your decision-making ability.  As you look in the mirror at yourself, ask yourself what you need to let go of so that your decisions can be beneficial to yourself and to others in your circle.

Babies move toward maturity in a process that lasts a lifetime. Take for example our precious two year old great-grandson, who unfortunately lives halfway across the country from us.  Due to the advent of modern technology, we get to see some of his development occurring by SKYPE. Pictures of his growth from newborn to infancy to early childhood show the changes in his appearance and abilities.  Face timing allows us to see him learn to crawl, to walk, to learn a few words, to watch him develop using some of his toys, learning how to say a few words, and now he can say about 42 words, at just over two years of age. It’s most enjoyable to see him relate to his Mom and Dad, and to his grandparents as well.

Believe it or not, we have been able to watch him develop the first step to maturity – TRUST, which is ideally accomplished by 18 months of age.  It’s easy to see that he does have a trust relationship with his parents, who take precious care of him and direct a lot of time and attention toward him.  Now that our daughter and her hubby have moved to the area where he lives, we can see that he is rapidly developing a trust for them too. 

Trust is the assumption that others are basically not evil-doers who intend to hurt or destroy you, but rather that they are supportive and inclusive people who will respond positively to you.  In the area of Spiritual Development, trust for others begins the process of being able to trust God.  So many individuals who have experienced major difficulties, such as rejection or abandonment  in their first 18 months of life, and perhaps beyond that, find it most difficult to trust God to be caring and supportive of them. If your needs, especially the emotional needs for reassurance, comfort, acceptance, tenderness and love are not met, you learned to trust no one. You would actually learned mistrust.  One learns to go it on their own, relying only on self for survival. It’s easy, as years go by, to distrust God and even others who claim to represent Him.

Trust is the foundation for building a healthy character, just like a well-built foundation is the basis for a solid structure, a solid house or other building. The same is true for individuals. In the months of foundational construction, dedicated commitment, careful attention and abundant time must be the building blocks for the person to stand for the years to come. Trust in one’s self, trust in others, trust in a power outside of self, and a sense of being accepted form the firm foundation.  The result of having built a foundation known as trust is a feeling and experience of HOPE – a positive outlook on life and the future.

Our Ezekiel is currently well on his way to developing the second step toward maturity – AUTONOMY.  This involves the ability to make decisions on his own; to make choices in his mind (like which toy to play with) and make the move toward doing so.  

The second step in Emotional and Spiritual Development is autonomy (or should be) accomplished by age three.  Autonomy is a sense of independence, self-sufficiency and self-government.  If a child has developed the foundation of trust, then the expansion into Autonomy begins – walking, talking and getting what is wanted by the child himself, instead of waiting for someone to bring it to him, because he is now mobile.  Ezekiel chooses his toy, walks over to his little rocking chair and rocks for a while or even gets on his little motorcycle and pedals away, without being directed to do so.  

This is a period of exploration and looking back to make sure parents are still there.  This is where an “I can do it” attitude begins to develop, and as no major trauma comes along to sabotage success, one develops WILL – the determination to move forward in growth and the ability to make decisions. If sabotaged by abuse or neglect, one is left with SHAME and DOUBT and a dependence or co-dependence on others.

The ability to make decisions in the spiritual realm is somewhat dependent on the total ability of decision-making, and takes place along with brain development also. Mistreated or ignored/abandoned early in life, assigns resentment to God for that same painful experience, and a feeling that God does not care. This leaves us with the idea that there must be something wrong with us, and that God does not care for us any more than important people in our early life did. As adults, living with shame and doubt sabotages our ability to live with confidence, stability and the ability to make good, healthy decisions.

Can you see how not being able to trust your parents to provide all of your needs as a young child can end up with mistrust for others and for God?  To become Spiritually Mature, one has to have accomplished the ability to trust, not only parents who stand in the place of God to us, but also others we relate with in our developing years.  To develop will and the ability to make decisions that are whole and healthy, one has to develop autonomy – the ability to make decisions and to trust the decisions we make.

Look back now to your beginning years, remembering that the first two years are for Attachment – attaching emotionally to your primary caregiver.  Ask yourself:

• Was your primary attachment figure your birth mother?  
• Did you attach emotionally to your father between birth and age seven?
• Did you feel secure with your primary caregiver? (meaning that you felt you could count on that person to be available and ready to assist in times of need or distress)

It is out of the security you felt that you developed the ability to trust.

Now spend a bit of time asking yourself how well you trust yourself and others currently, and how well you trust God to “supply all your needs according to His riches in glory.”

Ask yourself how you are at making decisions that are healthy; decisions that have considered all of the ramifications of your choice.  And how good are you at sticking to the decisions you make and overcoming the obstacles you face without running away from commitments and choices made.
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In the next article, we’ll look at the next couple of steps toward Emotional and Spiritual Maturity.  God bless you as you look in the mirror, so to speak, at how far you have come in the process of that maturity.

What is one’s spirituality?  What is the Spiritual Nature?  Why should we even be concerned in any way about our spirituality?

Spirituality has to do with relationships – with each other as fellow humans, with family and friends, with a Supreme Being, commonly known as God.  What has a difficult past, traumatic experiences, and what we carry within us from previous generations got to do with our spirituality?  

Biblically speaking, the Apostle Paul in his book II Corinthians, Chapter 5, Verse 17, says that when you become a follower of Christ, old things pass away and all things become new, so all I have to do is forget those old experiences and those who created or contributed to them, and my Spirituality will be in order. Right?   Wrong!  Paul was NOT speaking of our personal histories. He was not speaking of personal painful experiences. Paul was speaking here about the old ways of not acknowledging God as Lord and Savior. He didn’t want us to experience perpetually putting ourselves down, and living in guilt and shame.

You have hopefully already read how trans-generational and personal wounds received have affected us physically and emotionally.  So how can this impact us in our relationships with family, friends, spouses and God?

Let’s think logically for a bit.  If we are impacted in our physical body with illness as the result of the stress from wounds we’ve received, and if we are impacted emotionally with behaviors that are harmful to ourselves and others, shouldn’t our relationships with others and with God be impacted as well?

How many times have you heard people complaining about some sad or tragic event that has befallen them, and in their discourse asked, Where in the world was God when this was happening to me? As humans we are famous for blaming others for what happens to us, and if we can’t find anyone else to blame, we’ll certainly blame God.  Why didn’t He stop the beatings I got from my father?  Why didn’t he intervene when I was being sexually abused? Why did he allow me to be born into such a sick family?

Let’s say that you have at least two generations that you know of, where physical abuse was common from parent to child, and then you received it too as a child.  That abuse is going to affect your attitude toward people as a whole, not just your parents and grandparents. Others are going to be suspect; you find it difficult to trust them.  So you exude anger or you withdraw from others to prevent further wounding. This impacts your spiritual nature, because remember, your spiritual nature is about ALL relationships.

What if your family were alcoholics and/or drug addicts?  The major portion of their attention might have been devoted to their addiction rather than to their children. Wouldn’t that affect your attitude toward others? You would expect that everyone will reject you like your parent(s) did.  When you expect rejection, you even act in a way that would get you rejected, and there goes your spirituality.  Why did God reject me by giving me addicted parents who didn’t love me?

The development of our spiritual nature is a process, not an overnight event or even the result of baptism. It is a lifelong process that demands that we grow emotionally as well as spiritually.  Becoming more religious is not the way one becomes more spiritual.  We can engage in regular church attendance, even attending all of the additional church activities, just like the Apostle Paul, but this does not improve our spiritual nature.  Sometimes it even diminishes our spiritual progress, because we still find ourselves filled with guilt, shame, and experiencing betrayals, disappointments, relationship breakdowns, and unresolved longings lurking beneath the veneer of our highly thought of selves.  Our growth demands that we go back in order to break free from our unhealthy and destructive patterns that stop us from loving ourselves and others.  

In an excellent book entitled Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Dr. Peter Scazzero, is written the following:

"It is so easy to compartmentalize God into Christian activities around church and our spiritual disciplines without thinking of Him in our marriages, the disciplining of our children, the spending of our money, our recreation, or even our studying for exams. According to Gallup Polls and Sociologists, one of the greatest scandals of our day is that evangelical Christians are as likely to embrace lifestyles every bit as hedonistic, materialistic, self-centered and sexually immoral as the world in general."

Why?  Might it not be due to the fact that we have ignored and denied our histories and our trans-generational and personal wounds, or we have just plain not been willing to look at and process through them in a recovery process?  Could it be, at least in Christian Circles that we have thought that religious performance would cover up the old wounds, and that prayer would take them away?In actuality, we are told in the Bible that we must examine ourselves.Instead we have become expert at using scripture interpreted incorrectly to prove that prayer will erase our memories, thus taking away the emotions left from the wounds we have received.

The bottom line is that all of our wounds negatively impact our relationships both with God and with each other.  We are either ultimate performers for God, wearing a righteous mask and behaviors, Atheists who totally deny the existence of God, or angry, sad, and antagonistic individuals who are rude, inconsiderate and even abusive of others.

Spirituality is "The human experience of discovery, meaning, purpose and altruistic values (benefiting others), which may or may not include the concept of God or a transcendent being." This process in one of emotional maturity, which can only come as one grows up and out of the results of wounds, including the need to be self-centered. 

According to Dr. John Evoy, a psychologist who spent his entire career working with clients who reported rejection as their early childhood experience, written in his book entitled: “The Rejected”:

     “Rejection is an emotionally toned knowledge that one is not loved and wanted for
      themselves, by one or both parents.”   

Not being wanted or loved, especially by birth parents, sets the stage for a child to feel, for the rest of his life, that no one will ever really want or love him/her. 

Those who have experienced rejection tend to see the world through dark glasses. Everything they view has a negative downside.  The rejected predict that everyone they meet will reject them.  They seem to be always looking for words said or left unsaid, facial expressions, tone of voice or body language that get interpreted as rejection.  This is especially true for wounded individuals who are very sensitive and long for and do their best to promote harmony. 

For a person who is in relationship with a rejected individual, life can be quite arduous, because regardless of how hard the partner tries to please, to show love in various ways, to admire, compliment and adore, it never seems to be enough for the rejected one. Rejection is always expected because in their early character forming years, when they are unable to attach to a parent, rejection has become their normal.   

The results of Dr. Ron Rohner’s 50 plus years of international study regarding how children determine whether or not they were and/or still feel rejected, are as follows: 

1. Warmth and Affection
2. Hostility and Aggression 
3. Indifference and Neglect 
4. Undifferentiated behavior  

Sadly the repercussions to those who felt the pain of rejection early in life last a lifetime without intervention and psychological help. 

Compared to children who felt loved, children who feel rejected are at greater risk for developing specific forms of psychological maladjustment.  These feelings and behaviors are often associated with: 

• Behavior problems – attention getting- This is the child in school who cannot follow the rules, get homework done, and is generally unruly/ Many are diagnosed with ADD or ADHD and given medication, when what they really need is to be understood and helped through the rejection they are experiencing. 
• Conduct disorders – respond with rejection of authority – Does not obey society’s rules and conduct life accordingly. It is characterized by behavior that violates either the rights of others or major societal norms.
• Delinquency – Think that rules are to be broken. Choose to get into trouble by doing things they know are against rules or guidelines. crimes or other morally wrong acts : illegal or immoral behavior especially by young people 
• Criminality in adolescence and adulthood – “If I’m not given what I should have, I’ll take what I want.” This is the mindset of many victims of rejection. Years ago, Dr. John Bowlby studied rejected homeless children living on the streets of London. He discovered that the children were little thieves, but they were not stealing items that were needed for survival. The stole shiny, pretty things that would make them to feel better about their personal value, even for just a little while. Pieces of foil to moderately expensive jewelry made the children happy, temporarily, at least. 
• Depression and Depressed affects – “What is wrong with me that my parent’s couldn’t love me?”  This hangs over one’s head for a lifetime. Some of the physical effects include erratic sleep habits, loss of appetite (or increased appetite with atypical depression), constant fatigue, muscle aches, headaches, and back pain. 
• Substance abuse (drugs and alcohol) – numbing out the pain – The pain of rejection is a lifelong ache, and not knowing what else to do so they don’t have to think about their rejection, they drink, smoke and take drugs. 
• Addictive behaviors – Addictions stem from the inability to attach well to parents. Addictions are attempts to fill their emptiness with an addiction – any addiction. 

In addition – Personality Issues: 

• Hostility – Rejection creates anger because it isn’t fair. Antagonism or enmity.
• Aggression – Results from a seething anger because they feel unloved. It is an action of violating by force the rights of another, particularly territorial rights. 
• Passive Aggression - Passive aggressive behavior can manifest in many ways but has the common feature of non-verbal negativity, resistance, and confusion. In relationships, it is a form of emotional abuse that is insidiously destructive to open and honest communication 
• Emotional unresponsiveness – Unable or unwilling to engage in any emotional conversation or demonstration of emotional warmth. Blank affect and minimal conversation.
• Immature dependence or defensive independence – especially as it relates to parents.  Many will count on financial support from the rejecting parents well into their 40’s and 50’s, while others run away and do their best to “divorce” their hurtful parent(s).  
• Impaired self-esteem- “How can I be worth much if my parents didn’t love me?” 
• Impaired self-adequacy – Especially occurs when as a child, the person was criticized and “put down” a lot. 
• Emotional instability – Emotions are all over the place from sad to glad from angry to pleasant, depending on what is happening in their current experience. 
• Negative world-view - Glass is always ½ empty. He original wound of “not being wanted for themselves for who they are” is an albatross around the neck of the rejected.  When other rejections occur, the earliest rejection pops up to haunt and discourage and even depress.  Often suicide or at least the attempt is the result.  

  
In addition, Dr. Rohner’s research has determined that a father’s rejection is often more strongly related  with negative developmental outcomes such as: 

• Depression
• Conduct problems 
• Substance Abuse. 

God created a male to be Provider, Protector and Priest. Without the male present in a child’s life, the child lacks a sense of security. 

One can see why the Enemy is doing his best to remove men from the home and family. 

Having said all of this, it is beneficial to understand what additional life experiences can cause a person to feel rejected.  We are simply going to list them here: 

• A difficult or forceps delivery 
• Unwanted or adopted child, or one of the wrong gender to please parents 
• Late in life baby 
• Baby born in an attempt to fix a troubled marriage 
• Premature birth with needed extended hospitalization 
• Birth defect (real or perceived) 
• Not bonding with parent(s) at birth 
• Father not actively involved with the child 
• Child born out of wedlock 
• Child called names perceived as negative by the child 
• Fighting between parents 
• Communication lacking in the family 
• Childhood abuse – actual or perceived (Physical, Emotional or Sexual) 
• Excessive nudity in the family 
• Child expected to be older than their age 
• Child left alone too much OR child was smothered (overly protected) 
• Child told that they are to be seen and not heard  
• One or both parents addicted to: Alcohol, Drugs, Work, Religion, etc. 
• Parent puts child first and neglects the spouse 
• One parent does all the discipline 
• Child made to feel overly responsible 
• Child compared to sibling or someone else 
• Affection and praise based on performance 
• Being raised in EXTREME poverty or wealth 
• Divorce of parents 
• Abusive parents 
• Remarriage of parent – competition between child and step-parent 
• Inconsistent discipline 

Quite a list, isn’t it?  How many can you check off personally?  How many could your children check off if they were doing the list? 

The amazing thing is:   

“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak
knits up the o’re wrought heart and bids it break."

"Traumatic experiences do leave traces, whether on a large scale (on our histories and cultures) or close to home, on our families, with dark secrets imperceptibly passed down through generations. They also leave traces on our minds and emotions, on our capacity for joy and intimacy, and even on our biology and immune systems." The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD, taken from the preface.

Some time ago, when Ron had been diagnosed with the dreaded Parkinson’s Disease, I read something that was a great surprise – that Parkinson’s is the result of early childhood rejection, in many cases. Now that was quite a shock, albeit, Ron could be the poster boy for rejection!  Not long after that, and looking for some initial verification of this idea, I discovered a physician by the name of Dr. Vincent Feletti of San Diego area and the Kaiser Permanente Hospital. Because of experience in his own practice, Dr. Feletti, in cooperation with CDC, wrote a questionnaire, which was distributed to thousands.  The results of the questionnaire revealed and corroborated Feletti’s hypothesis, that traumatic events in the lives of children, can and do produce physical ailments later in the lives of those children.

Many people can identify a person in their lives who struggles with a chronic illness like heart disease, diabetes, or hypertension. Most people also know someone who struggles with mental illness, substance abuse, or relationships in general. Traditionally, the health care system would point to high-risk behaviors such as poor diet, drug use, or a sedentary lifestyle as the primary causal factors. Questions for patients have focused on What’s wrong with you? rather than What happened to you? A 1998 study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and Kaiser Permanente is leading to a paradigm shift in the medical community’s approach to disease. This study of more than 17,000 middle-class Americans documented quite clearly that adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) can contribute significantly to negative adult physical and mental health outcomes and affect more than 60% of adults.  This continues to be reaffirmed with more recent studies. (2)

Read the entire article here.

Many of us know that addictions originate from our inability to attach, in a whole and healthy manner, to the primary caregivers in our lives.  Smoking, drugs, alcohol, workaholism, relationship addiction, hoarding, religious fanaticism, eating addictions and others are related to the emptiness left from childhood, and are attempts at filling the void with something – anything.

Dr. Feletti relates the story of one of his clients in his obesity clinic. She was a woman who came into the clinic weighing in the neighborhood of 400 pounds.  Through his methods of weight reduction, she lost many pounds, down to 137 pounds. One day, at her job, she was propositioned by a fellow worker, and her weight began to climb again – up to over 400 pounds!  She wrote a note just before her suicide, and left it behind. Among other things, it stated that she just couldn’t be without her protection, and that was her reason for re-gaining her obesity, and subsequently death by her own hand.

As Dr. Feletti studied further into the history of morbidly obese patients, he discovered that most had been sexually abused as children and had experienced a host of other family problems.

Research from the new sciences, such as: neuroscience, developmental psychopathology, and interpersonal neurobiology, reveal that trauma produces actual physiological changes, including a recalibration of the brain’s alarm system, an increase in stress hormone activity, and alterations in the system that filters relevant information from the irrelevant. 

Martin Teicher, MD, PhD writes in the magazine, Scientific American:

"Early maltreatment has enduring negative effects on brain development. Our brains are sculpted by our early experiences. Maltreatment is a chisel that shapes a brain to contend with strife, but at the cost of deep enduring wounds. Childhood abuse isn’t something you get over.It is an evil that we must acknowledge and confront if we aim to do anything about the unchecked cycle of violence in this country."

When one has a biological system that keeps pumping out stress hormones to deal with real or imagined stress, it leads to physical problems: Sleep disturbances, headaches, unexplained pain, and over sensitivity to touch or sounds. To relieve themselves, these people engage in chronic masturbation, rocking, biting, cutting, hitting or burning themselves, pulling out hair, or picking on their skin. Sexually abused girls mature sexually about a year and a half earlier than other girls. They have 3-5 times the levels of testosterone and androstenedione, the hormones that fuel sexual desire.

It has been suggested by some professionals, Dr. Feletti postulates, that morbid diseases such as Diabetes, Cancer, Heart  Disease, High Blood Pressure, and neurological diseases are instigated and fueled by unresolved childhood traumas.

Another excellent reference is this video by Dr. Bruce Perry: 

Actually, you can look up Dr. Bruce Perry on the web, and find many articles and videos of him speaking on the subject of trauma and its effect on the developing child and adult.
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“The ACE study results, released in 1998, were staggering. The researchers admitted feeling “stunned.” For the first time, a study proved that childhood adversity can create an early process of inflammation and cellular aging that can, among other ill effects, shorten a lifespan by almost 20 years.

We learned that traumatic childhood experiences represent significant risk factors in adulthood for:

• alcoholism
• drug abuse
• depression
• attempted suicide
• smoking
• poor self-rated health
• sexual promiscuity and transmitted disease
• severe obesity
• ischemic heart disease
• cancer
• chronic lung disease
• skeletal fractures
• liver disease
• stroke
• diabetes
• autoimmune disease (such as lupus and multiple sclerosis)
• chronic fatigue syndrome
• peptic ulcers

Even when controlling for subjects who engage in high-risk activities like smoking, drinking, and overeating, childhood trauma produces the same increased risk for everyone. Across the board, for example, respondents had a 360% increase in risk for heart disease.

In the 15 years since the original ACE results were published, a slew of supporting studies have been conducted with similar conclusions about:

• chronic disease
• health-related quality of life
• Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease
• frequent headaches
• depression
• hallucinations
• psychosis
• early death

With extensive data showing that childhood trauma rewires the mind and body, we must ask: Can it be rewired  again—after trauma, before illness—to improve outcomes? Advancements in the field of neuroscience have taught us the vast opportunities found in rewiring entire mind and body systems, which opens the door for envisioning how we might reverse the ACE research in future generations.”

Taken from an article by Michele Rosenthal is an award-winning blogger, award-nominated author, award-winning mental health advocate, certified professional coach and the founder of HealMyPTSD.com.

Considering what you have read here, would you not think it wise to choose to recover from the early wounds you may have experienced?  Recovery is possible, and it will set you up to no longer live in the shadow of the trauma you experienced as a child, to be free from the prison house of your mind, and to live a love, peace and joy-filled life. Think about reading about rejection, its causes, manifestations and healing in the book “Shadows of Belonging”.  All of the abuses we receive, create feelings of rejection within us. “Shadows of Belonging” discusses Attachment, and the lack of it and its repercussions. A workbook for your introspection and understanding is also available.  

In the next article in this series we will focus of the Emotional results of Early Childhood Trauma.

“Not a big deal” or “They are young so they’ll forget what happened,” most people think and tell each other when a child experiences some kind of trauma.  Whether it is witnessing a horrific accident or even a murder, to experiencing harm or injury to their own person, we are convinced that in time the memory will fade and there will be no injurious effect on the child.  When a parent dies in childbirth or during the infancy or toddler years of a child, we assume that they will “forget” the loss and will move on in life as if no trauma had occurred.  How wrong we are!

It is true that sometimes the mind seems to “forget” some experience that was hurtful, but humans do not REALLY forget.  We do have the ability to place a painful memory in a “locked draw of the filing cabinet of the mind” containing our memories. This is a self-protective ability that allows us to be temporarily unaware of what has occurred, so that we will not relive the pain over and over again.  Sometimes not only the hurtful memory is locked up, but so are other experiences occurring at about the same time as the trauma, so as to block out a reference point.

But the question is, do we really forget making the memory so that the trauma we experienced has no impact on our lives today?  Experts in the field of understanding the brain and the effect of wounds on it, teach that whether or not we have recall, as do patients diagnosed with PTSD, our bodies and daily life experiences are impacted negatively.  The cells of the body hold memory, and even “forgotten” memories play a poignant role in the formulation of our feelings, thoughts, attitudes and current behaviors!  New research is discovering that the amygdala, which is a brain structure responsible for autonomic responses associated with fear and fear conditioning, as well as the processing of many of our emotions, is dramatically affected by trauma during early fetal development. This causes it to be extremely sensitive to trauma in the later years of life.

Beyond those experiences we have encountered ourselves, are the experiences of our parents, grandparents and even Great-grandparents.  We carry within us thirty-two other individuals who came before us, from our mother’s and father’s side of the family.  What was occurring in their lives, famine or plenty, poverty or wealth, poor or great relationships, illnesses and deaths, experiences of trauma in their lives are passed down to us to the third and fourth generations. One reference to this is found in the Decalogue and in several other scriptural texts. Isn’t it interesting that even the Bible states in the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:5) that the iniquities of the fathers are passed to the third and fourth generations?  Amazing that modern science corroborates the words of Scripture.

The National Institute of Health reports a current ongoing study of 200 mothers and children, which is slated to conclude in 2020.  According to them, “emerging evidence suggests the long shadow cast by childhood trauma may not be restricted to only the lifespan of this vulnerable population of abused women, but also may be transmitted to another yet even more vulnerable population - their children - who then go on to exhibit an increased prevalence of neurodevelopmental and psychiatric disorders. Thus, a vicious cycle of perpetuation and possible amplification may become established. The prevailing view is that the intergenerational transmission from mother to child of the effects of maternal exposure to childhood trauma likely occurs after her child's birth via the effects of maternal dysfunctional states and behaviors (e.g. low maternal sensitivity, depression).” 

In actuality, our parents and grandparents have a great deal to share with us about the experiences of their lives, but alas, so many hide these memories away, for fear of exposing family secrets and revealing some kind of shame.  Knowing the truths of the lives of those who came before us, can answer some or many of the questions about our own feelings, attitudes, thoughts and behaviors, since experiences of those in generations before us are passed to us today, and usually we have no idea where our behaviors originated.  

References tell us that . . .“Students of human nature have long grappled with questions about the replication of parents' traits into their offspring. Nonmedical writings have alluded to the fact that "sins" may be transmitted from parents to children. However, the first extensive elaboration on the impact of parents' neuroses on their children came in the late 1800s from the emerging field of psychoanalysis. All subsequent schools of psychology examining trauma have been concerned with the handing down of neurotic traits. It was only in the post-Holocaust era that a consistent literature on the intergenerational effects of parents' traumas emerged.”

Not long ago, I was introduced to a book series and later a TV series entitled “Call the Midwife.”  I recall reading the first book while on a plane flying home from teaching a seminar. At one point in the reading, I found myself in tears.  Why?  My family on both sides are English born. My Mother’s father would often speak of what he called “the poor farm,” in the “old country” and “Pa” was deathly afraid of it! He described it as a cold, damp, horrid, hole where people were sent when they were old and infirmed and had no place to go, or if they were financially destitute, with no means to pay for a place to live. The book I was reading spoke of a section in London, horribly bombed out after World War II, where crumbling brick apartments had been devastated by German bombs, and people still lived there.  The area was near the Thames River, where sea-going vessels came to load and unload at the docks.  Most of the men who lived in those roofless and rat infested apartments with wives and families, worked on the docks.

The book spoke of a family who because of their indigent state, were taken to the poor farm, or as they called it, the “Work House.” Children were separated from their mothers, and men separated from women.  All were made to work very hard, fed very little and treated very poorly.  Many children and aged died in that place, where the treatment of inmates was sub-human.

Why was I in tears?  Because finally I understood my Grandfather , and his deep-seated fear of going to a nursing home, which he equated with the “poor farm.”  Back when I was a girl, I could not comprehend his fear of a nursing home, as I didn’t see them as such terrible places. Suddenly, I knew. And I also understood my fear of getting so old, being alone and lonely, and stuck in some facility to die.
However, I was able to put two and two together for self-understanding, but not everyone can do that. Many do not see the thread that runs through generations passing along their ways of thinking and behaving to us. They have not had the privilege of knowing grandparents or even great-grandparents, listening to them and learning of their beginnings.

In the Old Testament, we are counseled to: “Remember the days of old, consider the years of previous generations. Ask your father, and he will show you; your elders and they will tell you.”  Deuteronomy 32:7.  Amazing that the tradition for the Children of Israel was that on the Day of Atonement, the Israelites stood in their places in the temple and publicly confessed the iniquities of their fathers for one quarter of the day.  (Nehemiah 9: 2-4)   Why do you think this would be?  Could it be that by confessing the sins of their predecessors, they would not repeat them?

A collection of essays on traumatic transmission builds on the idea that “what human beings cannot contain of their experience—what has been traumatically overwhelming, unbearable, unthinkable—falls out of social discourse, but very often on to and into the next generation as an effective sensitivity or a chaotic urgency.” Lost in Transmission: Studies of Trauma Across Generations, edited by M. Gerard Fromm (2012).

“How do we carry secret stories from before our lifetimes?

Transgenerational transmissions take on life in our dreams, in acting out, in “life lessons” given in turns of phrase and taught us by our family. Discovering transmission means coming to know and tell a larger narrative, one from the preceding generation. It requires close listening to the stories of our parents and grandparents, with special attention to the social and historical milieu in which they lived -- especially its military, economic and political turmoil.”  Sitting with those from previous generations, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc., can offer us considerable understanding of them and their behaviors, and also of the thought patterns and behaviors passed down to us.  This information can give us the power to halt the progression to succeeding generations by the changes we choose to make toward recovery in our own lives.
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In subsequent articles we will look at how early childhood trauma affects us physically, emotionally or psychologically and spiritually, underlying the importance of recovery in our own lives, making it so that as President Truman said, “The buck stops here” – with us, thus freeing our children and grandchildren from carrying the negative “stuff” handed down to us from our predecessors.